oh okay

cha-ching!

i have a shit ton of happy memories of her and those arent the ones that get me down but its more the fact that shes gone, that i literally watched her check out in front of my face. i didnt go to the hospital when the decision was made to pull the plug. i cant say it would have made me happier or sadder knowing i was there but i do feel like it would have messed me up something more than i am now. i have always had trust/abandonment issues and this only adds to them.

oddly enough the night she officially passed my cousins wife posted on facebook how heaven gained an angel etc and i texted my brother asking if she went peacefully. he was standing right next to my aunt as they both read the text. as they read it they both looked at each other as the dr called the official time. apparently my cousins wife jumped the gun a bit (whether intentionally or not) when she made her post. both said it kinda weirded them out reading it as the dr pronounced her passing



the next day from this screen shot was when it all started

When my dad passed he first fell ill and was put in hospital for monitoring. My family - who all lived within one or two states of him - wanted me to fly out for the proceedings - I live in Washington and would have had to fly to Washington DC to get to the hospital. It was not fiscally feasible for me, especially knowing that if he did pass I really didn't want to be there to see that. I wanted to remember him as the strong one, not see him lying on his deathbed. And then they kept trying to send me pictures! Jesus Christ.

I went to the funeral the next week. Though no one told me until I was actually in the door that "oh hey, the hospital won't release his body so that's an empty coffin."

my family is well aware of my aversion to seeing dead people, let alone loved ones. i want no business of that and while i havent seen a shrink yet (considering using the companies EAP to do so) i know a lot of what im feeling now is due to being dragged to funerals and saying i have to pay my respects at the coffin.

Our culture's obsession with funerals, graves, etc. is mind-boggling to me.

My stepmom must visit my dad's grave like 10 times a year and it's an hour and a half away.

I've seen it once and I'm good.

my stepfather goes every saturday morning. its only like 3 miles away so its not that big of a deal hes an old italian marine so keeping up with traditions is kind of in his dna

If it helps people in their grieving process, I guess I'm happy for them.

I just couldn't imagine visiting a gravesite that much or having an urn on my mantle.

Ugh.

Driving around rural Oregon last week we saw a lot of graveyards fully decorated for the 4th. Like, a graveyard the size of a city block (so not that large) had seven full-size American flags surrounding it's perimeter and also had little flags on each grave. I couldn't help thinking that it's fetishized in a way.

bored out of my mind, but no motivation to do anything, so both dreading and looking forward to going back to work tomorrow

go hit some balls

go for a run

go murder some homeless people

drink whisky. Lots of it.

That's a big day, Len.

Maybe save the murdering for tomorrow?

Hey all, sorry I dipped out a couple of months ago. I've been struggling with my own depression and have been in a weird place with some things. Thankfully, I'm coming out of it and am making some appropriate changes.

Welcome to our safe space.

reach out to lenny about your progress

It can get better Lenny. Weed helps, finding distractions like television, books, music helps. I still need to find a decent therapist and good doctors, but am getting involved with NORML, so that's something.

welcome back, tremorjam