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Monty Can't Buy Me Love

On a normal afternoon, Marge wants Homer, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie to go for a walk. They agree when faced with the threat of having to talk to each other, and arrive at a Fortune Megastore, a venture of wealthy Arthur Fortune (modelled on British entrepreneur Richard Branson). Fortune easily charms the crowd and hands out dollar bills to his customers. This embarrasses the unpopular Mr. Burns, who asks Homer to help him be loved by all.

As his first activity, Burns has Homer throw silver dollars from the top of a tall building, which instead of winning him popularity just causes injuries and terrifies the crowds below. Next, he writes out a check and tells Homer to donate it to the Springfield Hospital, but Homer is mistakenly believed to be the donor and receives the credit. Mr. Burns appears on a radio show called "Jerry Rude and the Bathroom Bunch" and is mocked by Rude. Feeling disappointed, Mr. Burns decides to go to Scotland to capture the legendary Loch Ness Monster with help from Homer, Professor Frink and Groundskeeper Willie. After little progress, Burns has the loch drained of water to expose the creature. After subduing the monster single-handed (although it is not shown, it is mentioned that the monster swallowed him), Burns has it sent to Springfield to be unveiled, where "Nessie" turns out to be friendly and charms all of the spectators.

However, during the unveiling of the monster, Burns is blinded by camera flashes. He runs into a camera, which crashes and starts a fire: the crowd panic and flee. Following this disaster, Homer then cheers up Burns by pointing out that being loved means you have to be nice to people everyday but being hated means you do not have to do anything. Burns agrees with that logic, saying "I'm a selfish old crank--and that fits me like a Speedo!" In the aftermath of the incident, Homer and Burns give Nessie a job at the "Vegas Town Casino".


A Fish Called Selma

Chief Wiggum pulls Troy McClure over for dangerous driving. Not wishing to be required to wear his glasses while driving, Troy goes to the DMV to get his license changed to remove the requirement. He offers to take DMV employee Selma Bouvier to dinner if she lets him pass the eye test, to which she agrees. After dinner, photographers notice Troy leaving with a human woman (rumors about a sexual abnormality concerning fish had essentially destroyed Troy's career) and the story hits the news. The next day, Troy's agent, MacArthur Parker, calls and says that he can get work again if he continues seeing Selma. Troy continues to date her and his career begins to recover. On his agent's advice, Troy asks Selma to marry him; overjoyed, she agrees.

The night before the wedding, a drunk Troy tells Homer the reason for his marriage: he doesn't really love Selma, and he just plans to use her as a sham wife to help further his career. Although Homer fails to act, Marge and Patty try to explain it to Selma, who accuses them of just being envious. She confronts Troy, who shamelessly admits that their marriage is a sham. Troy explains to Selma that even though their marriage is a sham, she has everything she could want and will be "the envy of every other sham wife in town". Selma has doubts, but accepts the situation because she fears being alone. Parker thinks he can get Troy the part of McBain's sidekick in McBain IV: Fatal Discharge, but concludes he will have a better chance if he has a family. Troy and Selma try to conceive a child, but neither feels comfortable with their situation, and Selma finally leaves after deciding that bringing a child into a loveless family is wrong. Troy turns down the role of McBain's sidekick to direct and star in his own film, The Contrabulous Fabtraption of Professor Horatio Hufnagel.

A Fish Called Selma, easily. Everything about Troy's attraction to fish is just so odd. Plus we get the great final dialogue about The Contrabulous Fabtraption of Professor Horatio Hufnagel.

there are some nice moments in monty can't buy me love, but it's inconsistent.