Mon February 25, 2013 7:22 pm
Mon February 25, 2013 7:35 pm
Thu February 28, 2013 12:26 am
Thu February 28, 2013 1:17 pm
turned2black wrote:If this is an actual apology, The Onion is dead to me.
Thu February 28, 2013 2:16 pm
Thu February 28, 2013 2:57 pm
Strat wrote:Report: Chinese Third-Graders Falling Behind U.S. High School Students in Math, ...
Thu March 14, 2013 4:22 pm
Nervous Pope Candidate Changes Wine Into Jesus Christ's Urine
News • News • ISSUE 49•11 • Mar 12, 2013
VATICAN CITY—While undergoing the selection process at the ongoing papal conclave, anxious pope candidate Cardinal Gianfranco Ravasi accidentally transformed the sacramental wine into Jesus Christ’s urine, the embarrassed church official confirmed Tuesday. “Shit, nobody drink that, it’s piss,” said a flustered Ravasi, moments after discovering he had transubstantiated the brimming contents of a Eucharist goblet into the Holy Messiah’s urine in front of more than 100 cardinals. “I swear, I’ve consecrated the altar wine into the blood of Christ a thousand times, but I just got so nervous with everyone watching me. Man, that smells nasty.” The bishop added that he hadn’t been this ashamed since an infamous 2003 Communion ceremony in which he distractedly converted the sacramental bread into a hardened disc of the Son of God’s fecal matter.
Thu March 14, 2013 4:34 pm
Bob Loblaw wrote:Nervous Pope Candidate Changes Wine Into Jesus Christ's Urine
News • News • ISSUE 49•11 • Mar 12, 2013
VATICAN CITY—While undergoing the selection process at the ongoing papal conclave, anxious pope candidate Cardinal Gianfranco Ravasi accidentally transformed the sacramental wine into Jesus Christ’s urine, the embarrassed church official confirmed Tuesday. “Shit, nobody drink that, it’s piss,” said a flustered Ravasi, moments after discovering he had transubstantiated the brimming contents of a Eucharist goblet into the Holy Messiah’s urine in front of more than 100 cardinals. “I swear, I’ve consecrated the altar wine into the blood of Christ a thousand times, but I just got so nervous with everyone watching me. Man, that smells nasty.” The bishop added that he hadn’t been this ashamed since an infamous 2003 Communion ceremony in which he distractedly converted the sacramental bread into a hardened disc of the Son of God’s fecal matter.
“Shit, nobody drink that, it’s piss”
Thu March 14, 2013 4:39 pm
Thu March 14, 2013 5:24 pm
Fuck You Jobu wrote:That's over the line... They should apologize for this, little fuckin' cunts.
Fri March 15, 2013 12:12 am
The Onion wrote:BOSTON—Boston residents once again hustled and bustled their way into the nation’s hearts this week as they continued playing their adorable little game of “Big City,” a live-action role-playing adventure in which Bostonians buzz about their daily routines in a delightful hubbub of excitement as if they lived in a major American metropolis.
Inhabitants of real cities across the nation smiled in affectionate amusement as Bostonians put on their big-city clothes, swiped their Charlie cards for a ride on one of the MBTA’s trolley-like subway cars—charmingly called the “T”—and rushed downtown for “important” business meetings at the John Hancock Building, the South Boston Innovation District, and other pretend centers of global industry and commerce.
“You have to admit, seeing them scurrying around in the morning for their big day in the city—it’s pretty cute,” New York resident Michael Goodman said as the Bay State busybodies emulated life in a large epicenter of American culture and politics. “When they look down at their watches and start hurrying down the street like they’re headed to some of sort of huge, important meeting, it’s hard not to smile. I mean, they look like they really think they are doing something significant.”
“My favorite part is when those little guys and gals head out to bars on the weekend like they’re experiencing real nightlife!” he added. “Gets me every time.”
According to enchanted onlookers who live in actual metropolitan areas, Boston residents are particularly endearing when they get all dressed up for a night at the theater; eat a big, fancy dinner at the Prudential Center’s top-floor restaurant; and read The Boston Globe, whose reporters get to play a game of Big-City Journalist each and every day.
In addition, eyewitnesses are reportedly delighted when Bostonians set off on one of their charming adventures to shop along the trendy Newbury Street, which allows residents to sip cappuccinos and pretend to be chic urbanites for the day.
Sources went on to call the city’s darling nickname, “The Hub,” a great, hilarious touch, as though Boston were an actual locus of anything vital whatsoever.
“I like it when they really get into their roles as residents of an actual city and complain about traffic and subways not coming on time,” Chicago native James Camden said. “Oh, and when the local news anchors talk about Boston politics like it’s really important, as if the goings-on in Boston could possibly have some sort of national implication even though nobody outside of Boston even cares? It’s so much fun to watch that I can only imagine how much fun it is to actually play.”
“I mean, we play Big City here in Chicago, too,” he continued, “But we’re nowhere near as good at it as the people in Boston.”
Along with the usual game of Big City, many Bostonians reportedly play side games, such as Mr. Important Advertising Man, Big-City Lawyer, Major Metropolitan Police Officer, Professional Artist, and Super-Sophisticated Student.
“It’s really cool going to school in the city,” said adorable Boston College sophomore Erica Hoyt, who not only gets to play Big City with her fellow classmates, but also with her visiting parents, who pretend that Boston is making their daughter much more independent and well-rounded. “There’s just so much going on and so much culture here.”
“I’m glad I decided to leave my hometown and come to a city as big as Boston,” she added, playing her role in the game perfectly.
Sources confirmed that while they think its adorable watching Boston residents excitedly attend their little music shows at the Paradise Rock Club and express their devotion to city-wide landmarks like an old oil company sign that lights up at night, their favorite part of Big City is when Bostonians wear their undying allegiance to the fake metropolis on their collective sleeve.
“I saw a guy wearing a Boston hat, and it was so cute,” Los Angeles resident Eva Anderson told reporters. “All that hometown pride for a place so small and inconsequential? It melts my heart.”
In a big-city newspaper exclusive, The Boston Globe today uncovered evidence that The Onion, a website that claims to be “America’s Finest News Source,” is in fact not a legitimate news source, but a website full of satire and fake news.
The newspaper discovered the shocking truth after scouring a recent Onion article. The article is headlined “Pretty Cute Watching Boston Residents Play Daily Game of Big City.” The giveaway that the article was satire was the use of the word “charming” in the same sentence with the “T,” the city’s trolley and subway system. Bostonians use many words to describe the “T” and it’s fair to say, the Globe has learned, that “charming” is not one of them.
Another obvious mistake was the Onion’s quoting of a Boston College student, who said “It’s really cool going to school in the city.” Any savvy Bostonian knows that describing Boston College as being “in the city” is obviously a falsehood.
If there was one clue, more than all the others, to the article being suspicious, it was a reference to people eating a big, fancy dinner at the top of the Prudential Center. When a reporter queried a person entering the Prudential Center and asked if there is a restaurant on top, the man laughed and said, “That’s wicked funny.”
Tue March 26, 2013 8:39 pm
Fri May 24, 2013 2:59 pm
Fri May 24, 2013 3:50 pm
Mon May 27, 2013 6:18 pm
Tue June 04, 2013 3:11 am
Tue August 27, 2013 12:12 am
Tue August 27, 2013 1:49 am
Tue August 27, 2013 2:15 am
Thu October 03, 2013 6:20 pm