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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Thu January 14, 2016 7:33 pm 
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Simple Torture wrote:
Also: is that chud?

Looks like a cross between me and Doc Van Nostrand


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Thu January 14, 2016 7:34 pm 
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E.H. Ruddock wrote:
I laughed:

Quote:
Traffic Already Lining Up To Be Late To L.A. Rams’ Opening Game


http://www.theonion.com/graphic/traffic ... game-52169

LOL


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Fri January 15, 2016 7:21 pm 
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BYRON, IL—In a rare moment of candidness between verbally and physically abusing his peers, local bully Pete Pachego, 14, shared his concerns with reporters Wednesday that his victims might one day realize he was actually a retarded faggot himself. “I spend all day telling guys at school that they’re gaywads and queermos, so if they ever found out that I’m actually a stupid cockmuncher, I really don’t know what I’d do,” said Pachego, adding that he often found himself paralyzed with dread that someone would discover that he was simply projecting his own retardedness and love of dicklicking onto the smaller, more vulnerable kids in his class. “Deep down, I guess I realize I’m so mean and hurtful to others because I don’t know how else to deal with the fact that I’m the one who still shits my pants and that I’m easily the fruitiest little fudgepacker of them all. Imagine if everyone knew; it would be devastating.” Pachego then sighed and told reporters that he was certain at least some of his victims were beginning to suspect, rightly, that his dick looks like a Tic Tac.


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Fri January 15, 2016 8:18 pm 
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doug rr wrote:
BYRON, IL—In a rare moment of candidness between verbally and physically abusing his peers, local bully Pete Pachego, 14, shared his concerns with reporters Wednesday that his victims might one day realize he was actually a retarded faggot himself. “I spend all day telling guys at school that they’re gaywads and queermos, so if they ever found out that I’m actually a stupid cockmuncher, I really don’t know what I’d do,” said Pachego, adding that he often found himself paralyzed with dread that someone would discover that he was simply projecting his own retardedness and love of dicklicking onto the smaller, more vulnerable kids in his class. “Deep down, I guess I realize I’m so mean and hurtful to others because I don’t know how else to deal with the fact that I’m the one who still shits my pants and that I’m easily the fruitiest little fudgepacker of them all. Imagine if everyone knew; it would be devastating.” Pachego then sighed and told reporters that he was certain at least some of his victims were beginning to suspect, rightly, that his dick looks like a Tic Tac.

I enjoyed this one, but you are missing the headline which was great.

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Fri January 15, 2016 8:19 pm 
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the headlines tend to be the best part.

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Dev thinks that his philosophical rants make sense and are easily followable and logical.


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Mon February 01, 2016 8:59 pm 
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European Men Are So Much More Romantic Than American Men


Alyssa Lerner
Junior, Boston University

I just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, and let me tell you, it truly was the most magical, amazing experience of my entire life. The French countryside was like something out of a storybook, the Roman ruins were magnificent, and the men, well, European men are by far the most romantic in the world.

You American men all think you're so suave and sophisticated. Well, think again! European men make you look like the immature, inexperienced little children you are. They really know how to make a woman feel special over there. Unlike the so-called men here in the States, European men know how to treat a woman right.

For one thing, European men aren't afraid to come up and talk to you. And they know how to start slow, with a nice cup of Italian espresso or a long walk on some historic street. They know the places you can't find in any tourist guide. They know the whole history of the cities in which they live—who the fountains are named after, who the statues are.

I remember one unforgettable night in Athens, I sat and listened to a Greek sailor for hours as he told me about the countless men who fought over Helen back in ancient times. Afterward, he told me he loved his homeland even more now that he'd seen it through my eyes. I ask you, would an American man ever say something as deep and beautiful as that?

European men know the most romantic little cafés and bistros and trattorias, candlelit places where you can be alone and drink the most fantastic wine. They tell you what's on the menu and what you should try. (If it wasn't for a certain young man in Milan, I never would have discovered fusilli a spinaci et scampi.) And the whole time, they're looking deep into your eyes, like you're the only woman on the entire planet. What woman could resist a man like that? Then, after a moonlit stroll along the waterfront and a kiss in the doorway of their artist's loft, you find yourself unable to—well, I'll leave the rest to your imagination.

I'll never forget my magical semester abroad. One thing's for sure—I'm ruined for American men forever!

American Women Studying In Europe Are Unbelievably Easy


Giovanni Di Salvi
I'm a 25-year-old carpenter living in Rome, and I don't mind telling you that I get all the action I can handle. I'm not all that handsome or well-dressed, and I'm certainly not rich. In fact, my Italian countrywomen could take me or leave me. But that's just fine, because Rome gets loads of tourist traffic, and American co-eds traveling through Europe are without a doubt the easiest lays in the world.

Being European gives me a hell of an advantage. I'm not sure why, but there's something about the accent that opens a lot of doors. All you have to do is go up to them, act a little shy and say, "Whould hyou like to go with me, Signorina, for a café?" I actually have to thicken up my accent a little, but they never, ever catch on.

After a cheap coffee, which to them always tastes better than anything they've ever had, because they're in Europe, it's time to walk them. Now, all they know about Rome is what they've read in Let's Go, so you can pretty much just make up a whole bunch of shit. It's fun to see how much they'll swallow: As long as I refer to Italy as "my homeland" and other Italians as "my people," they'll believe pretty much anything. I don't know who most of the local statues are, so I tell the muffins they're all great artists and poets and lovers. Once, just for the hell of it, I told a psychology major from the University of Maryland that a public staircase was part of the Spanish Steps, which she'd never even heard of. Another time, I told this blonde from Michigan State that the public library was the Parthenon, and she cooed like I'd just given her a diamond.

For dinner, I usually take them to some cheap little hole in the wall, someplace deserted where not even the cops eat. American girls think candlelight means "romance," not "deteriorating public utilities," so they just poke their nipples through their J. Crew sweaters and never notice that there's no electricity. Just as well, because Roman restaurants aren't exactly the cleanest. After a bunch of fast-talk about the menu, I get them the special, which is usually some anonymous pasta with spinach and day-old shrimp, and whatever cheap, generic, Pope's-blood chianti's at the bottom of the list.

By this time, they're usually standing in a slippery little puddle. Going in for the kill, I walk them past one of Rome's famous 2,000-year-old open cesspools. Then, as we open the door to my shitty efficiency, I kiss them on the eyelids so they don't see the roaches, making sure the first thing they see is the strategically positioned artist's easel I bought at some church sale. That's usually all they need to see and, like clockwork, they fall backwards on my bed with their Birkenstocks in the air.

I mean, they're hardly Italian women, but we have a saying here in Europe: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

http://www.theonion.com/multiblogpost/e ... eric-11552


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Mon February 29, 2016 4:45 pm 
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Perfect Gentleman Does Not Assault Drunk Woman

COLUMBUS, OH—Describing the fact that he had not caused her any physical harm as a mark of true gentility, sources confirmed Friday that local man Thomas Lowell had been a “perfect gentleman” the night before by not assaulting 25-year-old Leah Pace while she was inebriated. “Leah had a bit too much to drink, but Tom was an absolute gentleman the whole night,” said Pace’s friend Amber Cohen, bestowing the highest standards of chivalry and honorability upon the man for refraining from endangering Pace’s personal safety or exploiting her drunken state to engage in sexual acts without her consent. “Nothing bad happened at all. He’s a really good guy.” Sources later reported that the man who did not harass Pace with aggressive and lewd text messages the following day was a total sweetheart.

http://www.theonion.com/article/perfect ... oman-52437


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Mon May 16, 2016 9:40 pm 
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I Won't Have My Daughter Bringing A Black Man Into This House Until I've Tidied Up And Created A Welcoming Environment

This is unbelievable. A goddamned outrage, actually, is what it is. My daughter Lucy, my own flesh and blood, is bringing home this…this…black man in less than an hour. "Marlon" something or other, she tells me. Marlon! Well, I won't stand for it. As long as I have breath in my body, no daughter of mine will bring a black man into this house until I've cleaned it up a little, maybe picked up a good bottle of wine, and made damn sure I have everything I need to make him feel right at home.

Not now, not ever.

I'm just glad her grandfather isn't alive to see this. Imagine, his sweet little Lucy, arm-in-arm with a black man, traipsing right through the front door of the house that he built with his own two hands while the coffee table is covered with old magazines and I don't even have a cup of tea to offer the young fellow.

Pops must be spinning in his grave.

A black guy, for chrissakes, in my home, eating my goddamned food! I have to find out what he likes and swing by the gourmet market!

Jesus H. Christ. This is all my fault, isn't it? You try to raise them right, to show them the way things work in this world. Maybe if I'd been stricter with Lucy back then, she wouldn't be sauntering around my house with a black man, pretty as you please, without first giving her old man a heads-up so he can do the dishes that are piled up in the sink right there where everyone can see them.

It's a goddamned shame, I tell you. Mark my words, no black man will ever set foot in here until I've had time to whip up a quick bruschetta at the very least!

And just think of what this will do to Lucy's poor mother! Kathryn will be absolutely devastated. What do I even say? "Hey, honey, guess what? Your daughter is coming home with a black man and we're all out of the nice microbrewed beer. Shall I just throw the door wide open and we'll sit in the dusty dining room chairs next to the unfolded laundry and wait for them to waltz right in? Then maybe we can bust out the Monopoly board and spend an hour looking for all the missing pieces while Lucy and her black boyfriend look on in uncomfortable silence. How's that sound, dear? No, you'd rather lock yourself in the bathroom and sob uncontrollably? Okay."

Good Lord, Kathryn will be crushed! Inconsolable.

What is the world coming to when this can happen right in your very own home? Thirty minutes from now, a young black man will be sitting in my den, and I don't even have my shotgun handy. I took it to the antique shop to be relacquered last week, which is too bad, because it really looks nice hanging over the mantle next to the hand-carved wooden duck decoys. Now Marlon won't get the full effect of the hunting tableau, which is really what anchors the whole room.

This is totally unacceptable! This could be my future son-in-law we're talking about here!

Well, there's only one thing to do. Kathryn and I are just going to have to meet them out front, very clearly explain to Lucy that, come hell or high water, she will not be bringing a black man into our house, and then take them right out and treat them both to a lovely, lovely dinner.

Maybe we can take him to go eat watermelon salad and fried chicken tempura at that new Asian fusion place.

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Sat June 25, 2016 11:38 pm 
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A+


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Sun June 26, 2016 3:56 pm 
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I am not racist but why the fuck are black people so violent?


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Fri August 26, 2016 3:35 pm 
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Not the Onion but a local Charleston site:

http://fauxcountrynews.com/charleston-m ... t-a-beard/

"Charleston man arrested for operating a craft brewery without a beard".

LOL.

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Wed March 01, 2017 8:32 pm 
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Quote:
A Public Nuisance: Barack Obama Was Kicked Off Of A White House Tour For Shouting, ‘I Already Know That,’ After Everything The Tour Guide Said


AL

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Clouuuuds Rolll byyy...BANG BANG BANG BANG


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Wed March 01, 2017 8:33 pm 
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E.H. Ruddock wrote:
Quote:
A Public Nuisance: Barack Obama Was Kicked Off Of A White House Tour For Shouting, ‘I Already Know That,’ After Everything The Tour Guide Said


AL

lol

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Wed March 01, 2017 8:34 pm 
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lennytheweedwhacker wrote:
E.H. Ruddock wrote:
Quote:
A Public Nuisance: Barack Obama Was Kicked Off Of A White House Tour For Shouting, ‘I Already Know That,’ After Everything The Tour Guide Said


AL

lol

Me too


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Wed March 01, 2017 8:35 pm 
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tragabigzanda wrote:
lennytheweedwhacker wrote:
E.H. Ruddock wrote:
Quote:
A Public Nuisance: Barack Obama Was Kicked Off Of A White House Tour For Shouting, ‘I Already Know That,’ After Everything The Tour Guide Said


AL

lol

Me too

just picturing him, a head taller than most of the crowd, and saying that with slight annoyance really did it for me

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just cuz im clinically depressed doesn't mean im not a total gangster.


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Sun May 14, 2017 4:21 pm 
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McParadigm wrote:
A+


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Fri August 04, 2017 11:18 am 
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Plan To Be More Positive Off To Shitty Fucking Start

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PITTSBURGH—Confirming that the change in outlook was already a massive pain in the ass, area woman Jen McKessy reported Thursday that her plan to be more positive was off to a shitty fucking start. “Well, I’m not even three days into giving optimism a shot, and it already sucks,” said McKessy, adding that her plan to live in the moment and give people the benefit of the doubt was probably a hopelessly naïve idea to begin with and that a smarter, less awful person would have realized this from the very beginning. “I can’t believe how quickly keeping things in perspective has gotten fucking unbearable. I mean, maybe I should feel proud that a fuck-up like me has even lasted 72 hours with a positive attitude, but there’s no way I’m missing out on an opportunity to feel like shit.” At press time McKessy’s revised plan to complain to everyone she knows was off to an excellent start.

http://www.theonion.com/article/plan-be ... tart-56562


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Mon August 07, 2017 5:58 pm 
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One I saw on FB today made me chuckle:

"Lizard planning to bite new owner the first chance it gets"

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Tue August 08, 2017 3:54 am 
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Flesh-Eating Bacteria Wishing It Hadn’t Filled Up On Foot

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RICHMOND, VA—Expressing regret over stuffing itself so early in the meal, a local flesh-eating bacterium was reportedly wishing Monday that it hadn’t filled up so much on foot. “Oh, god, I just started pigging out on that delicious heel wound, and I guess I didn’t realize how much necrotic tissue I was scarfing down,” said the microorganism Pseudomonas, lamenting that it was way too full to even enjoy the pair of mouthwatering calves. “This always happens. I just go to town on one appendage and leave no room to finish the rest of the body. I really need to learn better impulse control.” At press time, the bacterium was comforted by the fact that it could save some of that tasty bicep for later.


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