The board's server will undergo upgrade maintenance tonight, Nov 5, 2014, beginning approximately around 10 PM ET. Prepare for some possible down time during this process.
FAQ    Search

Board index » Word on the Street » Arts & Entertainment




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 79 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next
Author Message
 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Thu October 10, 2013 4:46 am 
Offline
Fake NYC Setlist Relayer
 Profile

Joined: Tue January 01, 2013 2:11 pm
Posts: 7703


Top
 
 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Wed November 13, 2013 7:14 pm 
Offline
Fake NYC Setlist Relayer
 Profile

Joined: Tue January 01, 2013 2:11 pm
Posts: 7703
The Onion will halt print edition after 25 years

Print is dead! No joke — but new reality — for paper famous for spoof stories so believable they have been taken for real news through the years by some unsuspecting news outlets.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/nationa ... -1.1511713


Top
 
 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Wed November 13, 2013 7:19 pm 
Offline
User avatar
The Master
 Profile

Joined: Tue January 01, 2013 2:04 pm
Posts: 46030
Location: Sector 7-G
I've never seen a print edition of The Onion.


Top
 
 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Wed November 13, 2013 9:29 pm 
Offline
User avatar
AnalLog
 WWW  Profile

Joined: Wed January 02, 2013 6:05 pm
Posts: 1278
Location: Montreal, QC
I think I saw a copy once when I went to NYC.

_________________
chud wrote:
Posting! Glorious posting!


Top
 
 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Wed November 13, 2013 10:31 pm 
Offline
User avatar
An enigma of a man shaped hole in the wall between reality and the soul of the devil.
 Profile

Joined: Tue January 01, 2013 5:13 pm
Posts: 28526
Location: Anywhere mediocrity is celebrated.
The pizza place near me had a subscription. it was cool.


I always laugh at their "Diamond" Joe Biden stories.

_________________
Gravity is pseudo science. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJOZp2ZftCw


Top
 
 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Wed November 20, 2013 1:01 am 
Offline
User avatar
An enigma of a man shaped hole in the wall between reality and the soul of the devil.
 Profile

Joined: Tue January 01, 2013 5:13 pm
Posts: 28526
Location: Anywhere mediocrity is celebrated.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/most-u ... :2:Default

I lol'ed at this one for some reason.

_________________
Gravity is pseudo science. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJOZp2ZftCw


Top
 
 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Sat November 23, 2013 11:06 pm 
Offline
User avatar
Mind Your Tanners
 Profile

Joined: Tue January 01, 2013 9:55 pm
Posts: 8161
Location: An office full of assholes
Ohio State Crowd Quiets Down As Marching Band Forms Pentagram

Photo Finish • Sports • college football • ISSUE 49•47 • Nov 23, 2013


Image


Top
 
 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Fri December 20, 2013 6:59 pm 
Offline
User avatar
post-structuralist
 Profile

Joined: Tue January 01, 2013 2:22 pm
Posts: 14750
Location: faked by jorge
24-Year-Old Receives Sage Counsel From Venerable 27-Year-Old

Image

DULUTH, MN—Generously bestowing the kind of wisdom that only comes with age, worldly and venerable 27-year-old Matthew Owen took the time last night to offer his enlightened counsel to 24-year-old family friend Dennis Paige, sources confirmed Tuesday.
Paige, who since graduating from the University of Minnesota in 2011 has struggled to find a full-time job or commit himself to any long-term plan, was reportedly taken aside by Owen for a candid one-on-one talk during which the elder man imparted just a sampling of the profound knowledge he’s amassed from nearly five years in the real world.
“Listen, I remember feeling the same way when I was in my mid-20s,” said the 27-year-old, drawing upon his abundant wealth of life experience. “Believe me, when I was your age, I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted to do either. Life is just something that takes a little while to figure out, you know? But eventually you get everything figured out, and then it’s all good.”
“Take it from someone who’s been there,” added Owen, placing a supportive hand on the shoulder of the man three years his junior.
As he offered his vast, seemingly limitless insight into the ways of the world, Owen reportedly advised the wide-eyed 24-year-old not to get too down on himself about the mistakes he’s made or the difficulties he currently faces, assuring Paige that it’s natural for someone to take a few wrong turns at such an impressionable young age.
The enlightened Owen, a 2008 college graduate, also said that while it may be hard for Paige to see the bigger picture right now, he’ll soon mature and begin to gain a broader perspective on things.
“Look at it this way—a guy your age is standing at the beginning of a long journey, and sometimes it’s hard to see where you’re going,” said Owen, who has held a salaried position as a marketing associate at Duluth’s RGM Partners for the past 18 months. “But when you’ve reached the end of that journey, as I have, you look back and realize just how naïve you once were.”
“The fact is, you’re still very young,” the prudent and world-wise 27-year-old continued, “and you still have a few years left to find your way.”
Owen went on to say that sometimes you just have to be patient and let life take its course. He explained that for him, the pieces of the puzzle all fell into place “back in 2011,” when he landed his first full-time job. At that moment, he said, “everything kind of clicked” for him in terms of his career, his long-term personal goals, and his broader purpose in life.
“I know you’re looking at me right now and thinking, ‘I’m never going to get to where he is,’” said Owen, who lives downtown in a two-bedroom apartment he shares with a roommate. “But you will. I was once anxious and young like you are, and look how things worked out for me.”
“You’ll get there, bud,” added the man born in 1986.
Owen then chuckled, sources said, and admitted that he wished someone had told him all these things back when he was just starting out.
Although he acknowledged he had not asked Owen for advice, Paige told reporters he was incredibly grateful the 27-year-old had taken the time to speak with him.
“I wasn’t expecting it at all, but I’m really glad Matt pulled me aside and shared some of his thoughts with me,” the 24-year-old said. “It’s nice to hear from someone who’s been through a lot of the things I’m going through now, and to see how he’s turned out. It’s really helped me to think more clearly about my own future.”

Added Paige, “When I look at him, I realize that if I’m not careful I could turn into some kind of huge condescending prick in just three years.”

_________________
Dev wrote:
im such a nice guy and malice is total garbage.


Spoiler: show
people change. people stay the same. people are so often disappointing - random PM, person unnamed


Top
 
 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Wed November 19, 2014 8:02 pm 
Offline
User avatar
Mind Your Tanners
 Profile

Joined: Tue January 01, 2013 9:55 pm
Posts: 8161
Location: An office full of assholes
Woman Transitions From Being Terrified Of Getting Pregnant To Being Terrified She Can’t Get Pregnant

News in Brief• Local• women• kids• ISSUE 50•46• Nov 19, 2014

Image

BETHLEHEM, PA— Acknowledging that she once considered conceiving a child to be the greatest threat to her future, local woman Rebecca Davis confirmed Wednesday that she has transitioned from being terrified of getting pregnant to being terrified she can’t get pregnant. “I’m just really scared that it may never happen at this point,” said the 34-year-old woman who has closed the chapter of her adult life when the sight of a negative pregnancy test brought on a wave of pure relief and is now consumed by anxiety that she may never see a blue plus sign. “All we can do is keep trying.” At press time, a desperate Davis was reportedly picking up fertility medication from the same pharmacy where she had once frantically purchased Plan B.


Top
 
 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Fri August 21, 2015 12:49 am 
Offline
Fake NYC Setlist Relayer
 Profile

Joined: Tue January 01, 2013 2:11 pm
Posts: 7703
New SeaWorld Show Just Elephant Drowning In Large Tank Of Water With No Explanation

Image

ORLANDO, FL—Noting that the show had simply appeared on the park’s schedule last week without an announcement or fanfare of any kind, visitors to SeaWorld told reporters Thursday that the theme park’s latest attraction consists solely of an elephant drowning in a large tank of water with no explanation.

The most recent addition to the amusement park’s slate of entertainment—listed on brochures and signs simply as “Elephant Drowning”—reportedly features an adult African elephant that is led out by trainers into the main amphitheater, where it is immediately shoved into a 36-foot-deep aquarium and left to slowly die, all without the music, lighting cues, or narration that typically accompany other SeaWorld shows.

“After they pushed it into the pool, it swam around for a little while, which was cool because I didn’t even know elephants could swim, but then it started really struggling to keep its head above water,” said visitor Katie Hayes, 32, who attended the 1 p.m. Elephant Drowning performance with her family after seeing a sign advertising the show simply as “SeaWorld’s Newest Experience.” “My kids were cheering for it at first, and we all thought it might do some tricks or something. But it just sort of thrashed around the whole time, trying to get out of there.”

“And then it drowned,” Hayes added.

“Our new show offers the same first-rate entertainment you’ve come to expect from SeaWorld, and it’s sure to be a huge hit with guests of all ages.”
Other guests who attended the same performance reported that they were left confused when the handlers appeared unannounced, silently forced the full-grown elephant into the tank, and then walked out through the backstage door, all without saying a word or acknowledging the audience in any way. Additionally, many said they were expecting someone to come on over the loudspeaker and tell them what was occurring, or at least mention the elephant’s name, but noted that no one ever did.

Over the course of the half-hour show, the 12,000-pound animal reportedly grew increasingly panicked, making numerous futile attempts to scramble up and over the vertical sides of the enclosure. Sources said the clapping and whistling from the audience slowly tapered off as the exhausted elephant made gradually slower circuits of the tank’s perimeter in a desperate search of any possible exit point it could use to save itself.

“It tried to smash through the side of the tank with its tusks at one point, which is when I thought some dolphins or an orca might come swimming out of the gate and help push the elephant to safety, which would have been incredible—but nope,” said SeaWorld guest Erika Morganstern, 22, who suspected that the tank walls had been heavily reinforced, given the animal’s continuous, ultimately ineffectual efforts to throw its enormous bulk against the glass. “Eventually, the elephant started making these crazy sorts of gurgling, trumpeting noises that got quieter and quieter before they stopped completely.”

“I really wasn’t sure what to expect when I saw this show on the schedule,” she added. “But, yeah, it was pretty much just an elephant drowning.”

Visitors said that following some violent, last-ditch floundering, the huge mammal at last became too worn out to continue treading water and succumbed. Guests watching the show from the underwater viewing area confirmed seeing the elephant drift slowly to the bottom of the tank, where it came to rest in a heap, its body reportedly shifting back and forth slightly due to the turbulence created by its prior struggling.

“No one really told us when the show was over,” said season-pass holder Mariam O’Neill, 57. “After the elephant didn’t move for a while, people got up and started leaving. A few people stuck around for the Clyde & Seamore’s Sea Lion High show, which was coming up next.”

According to sources, the Elephant Drowning attraction has been well-attended since its introduction earlier this month, with the Saturday afternoon show in particular, which reportedly features both a mother elephant and her calf, regularly filling to capacity.

When reached for comment, SeaWorld representatives confirmed to reporters that their newest aquatic presentation consists entirely of an elephant drowning in a large tank of water and that it takes place in Shamu Stadium at the times listed on the park’s website.

“SeaWorld is proud to bring a brand-new attraction to its visitors,” company representative Nancy Klemmer said. “Our new show offers the same first-rate entertainment you’ve come to expect from SeaWorld, and it’s sure to be a huge hit with guests of all ages.”

“Plus, the elephants absolutely love it,” Klemmer added.


Top
 
 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Wed August 26, 2015 10:53 pm 
Offline
User avatar
Mind Your Tanners
 Profile

Joined: Tue January 01, 2013 9:55 pm
Posts: 8161
Location: An office full of assholes


Top
 
 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Sun November 08, 2015 2:26 pm 
Offline
Fake NYC Setlist Relayer
 Profile

Joined: Tue January 01, 2013 2:11 pm
Posts: 7703
Image

Unemployed Detroit Resident Dismayed To Learn Job Opening Is With The Lions

DETROIT—Uttering an audible sigh of frustration as he noticed the franchise’s name in the classified ad, unemployed Detroit resident Chris Segel, 34, reportedly expressed disappointment Friday upon realizing the job opening he’d been considering was with the Lions. “Aw man, I was actually excited about this, but just when I got my hopes up I saw it’s for the goddamn Lions,” said Segel, who dejectedly confirmed after scanning the listing a second time that the facilities management position was definitely at Ford Field with the Detroit Lions. “I mean, I guess I’m applying anyway because it’s a job and I need one, but Christ, this market really is fucking brutal if this shit is all that’s left right now.” At press time, sources reported Segel was eagerly looking into a possible job opportunity with Detroit’s sanitation department.

http://www.theonion.com/article/unemplo ... NA:InFocus


Top
 
 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Wed December 02, 2015 10:29 pm 
Offline
Fake NYC Setlist Relayer
 Profile

Joined: Tue January 01, 2013 2:11 pm
Posts: 7703
Image

Greg Hardy Assures Tony Romo He’s Seen Ex-Girlfriends Come Back From Far Worse Injuries

DALLAS—In an effort to comfort the recovering quarterback after a broken collarbone sidelined him for the season, Dallas Cowboys defensive end Greg Hardy reportedly assured Tony Romo Wednesday that he has seen plenty of ex-girlfriends come back from far more serious injuries. “I know you’re feeling down right now, but listen, I’ve seen exes make full recoveries after being in much worse shape than you, trust me,” said Hardy, promising that if his last three girlfriends were all able to get back to normal following months of extensive physical therapy, there was no way a hairline fracture would keep Romo out for long. “I remember a girlfriend in college who got hurt really bad—Amanda actually ended up needing surgery—but she powered through it and eventually regained all the mobility in her shoulder. Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?” At press time, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones had praised Hardy as “a fantastic teammate” and offered the defensive lineman a new five-year, $89 million contract.


Top
 
 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Wed January 13, 2016 6:50 pm 
Offline
Fake NYC Setlist Relayer
 Profile

Joined: Tue January 01, 2013 2:11 pm
Posts: 7703
Image

Learned Sage Points Out That Powerball Not As Much After Taxes

BELLEVUE, WA—Imparting his profound enlightenment and worldly understanding onto all who would heed his words, local billing clerk and learned sage Cameron Wenzel reportedly pointed out Wednesday that the Powerball jackpot is not worth as much after taxes. “They say the jackpot’s $1.5 billion, but you don’t actually get all of that,” the keenly perceptive man of learning informed several coworkers, allowing them to ponder his illuminating pronouncement for several moments before shrewdly explaining that the government “takes a whole lot of it.” “You don’t get even close to that much. If you think you’re getting the whole thing, you’re in for a big surprise.” Sources confirmed that the wise guru then offered those gathered in the office break room one final insightful teaching, saying that were he himself to win, the first thing he would do is hire a tax adviser.


Top
 
 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Wed January 13, 2016 7:03 pm 
Offline
User avatar
F.U.B.A.R
 WWW  Profile

Joined: Wed July 03, 2013 11:21 pm
Posts: 13078
Location: Lft Craquepeau
What a cock.

_________________
Rangi Guy wrote:
So skating back to the train station after work today things went wrong.....now my skateboard is at the bottom of the harbour :(


Top
 
 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Wed January 13, 2016 7:04 pm 
Offline
User avatar
The Master
 Profile

Joined: Tue January 01, 2013 2:04 pm
Posts: 46030
Location: Sector 7-G
When I saw this thread bumped I knew that was the article posted.


Top
 
 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Thu January 14, 2016 7:19 pm 
Offline
User avatar
I've been POOSSTTIiiEEnngeeaahh
 Profile

Joined: Tue January 01, 2013 7:41 am
Posts: 12116
Location: Cumberland, RI
Was going through Twitter favorites today, came across one of my favorite headlines:


_________________
McParadigm wrote:
A+


Top
 
 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Thu January 14, 2016 7:19 pm 
Offline
User avatar
I've been POOSSTTIiiEEnngeeaahh
 Profile

Joined: Tue January 01, 2013 7:41 am
Posts: 12116
Location: Cumberland, RI
Also: is that chud?

_________________
McParadigm wrote:
A+


Top
 
 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Thu January 14, 2016 7:21 pm 
Offline
User avatar
Looks Like a Cat
 Profile

Joined: Tue January 01, 2013 11:46 pm
Posts: 14848
There have been some great ones, lately. I love the onion.

_________________
LoathedVermin72 wrote:
Dev is the only board hero left


Top
 
 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Thu January 14, 2016 7:32 pm 
Offline
User avatar
Worst Moderator
 Profile

Joined: Tue January 01, 2013 2:48 pm
Posts: 43897
I laughed:

Quote:
Traffic Already Lining Up To Be Late To L.A. Rams’ Opening Game


http://www.theonion.com/graphic/traffic ... game-52169

_________________
Clouuuuds Rolll byyy...BANG BANG BANG BANG


Top
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 79 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next

Board index » Word on the Street » Arts & Entertainment


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
It is currently Tue October 17, 2017 7:45 am