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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Mon February 25, 2013 7:22 pm 
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If this is an actual apology, The Onion is dead to me.


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Mon February 25, 2013 7:35 pm 
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"Disgraced Onion Tweeter finds Solace as a Fox News Editor"

or something.


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Thu February 28, 2013 12:26 am 
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Report: Chinese Third-Graders Falling Behind U.S. High School Students in Math, ...


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Thu February 28, 2013 1:17 pm 
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turned2black wrote:
If this is an actual apology, The Onion is dead to me.

I can see criticizing it for maybe being unoriginal or old hat or something. Perhaps even not funny, but seriously, this is the Onion. Of everything they've done, this is offensive? How often do they mock Stephen Hawking for chrissakes.


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Thu February 28, 2013 2:16 pm 
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If I had a twitter account, or a facebook page, or whatever, I'd totally be putting up "Everyone else seems afraid to say it, but that Quvenzhané Wallis is kind of a cunt for not stepping up and cooling everybody the fuck out about this silly little Onion thing."

Which is actually a pretty good example of why I'm not allowed to have any of those things. :shake:

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Thu February 28, 2013 2:57 pm 
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Strat wrote:
Report: Chinese Third-Graders Falling Behind U.S. High School Students in Math, ...


:cop:

We have a News and Debate thread.


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Thu March 14, 2013 4:22 pm 
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Quote:
Nervous Pope Candidate Changes Wine Into Jesus Christ's Urine
News • News • ISSUE 49•11 • Mar 12, 2013

VATICAN CITY—While undergoing the selection process at the ongoing papal conclave, anxious pope candidate Cardinal Gianfranco Ravasi accidentally transformed the sacramental wine into Jesus Christ’s urine, the embarrassed church official confirmed Tuesday. “Shit, nobody drink that, it’s piss,” said a flustered Ravasi, moments after discovering he had transubstantiated the brimming contents of a Eucharist goblet into the Holy Messiah’s urine in front of more than 100 cardinals. “I swear, I’ve consecrated the altar wine into the blood of Christ a thousand times, but I just got so nervous with everyone watching me. Man, that smells nasty.” The bishop added that he hadn’t been this ashamed since an infamous 2003 Communion ceremony in which he distractedly converted the sacramental bread into a hardened disc of the Son of God’s fecal matter.


“Shit, nobody drink that, it’s piss” :haha:

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Thu March 14, 2013 4:34 pm 
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Bob Loblaw wrote:
Quote:
Nervous Pope Candidate Changes Wine Into Jesus Christ's Urine
News • News • ISSUE 49•11 • Mar 12, 2013

VATICAN CITY—While undergoing the selection process at the ongoing papal conclave, anxious pope candidate Cardinal Gianfranco Ravasi accidentally transformed the sacramental wine into Jesus Christ’s urine, the embarrassed church official confirmed Tuesday. “Shit, nobody drink that, it’s piss,” said a flustered Ravasi, moments after discovering he had transubstantiated the brimming contents of a Eucharist goblet into the Holy Messiah’s urine in front of more than 100 cardinals. “I swear, I’ve consecrated the altar wine into the blood of Christ a thousand times, but I just got so nervous with everyone watching me. Man, that smells nasty.” The bishop added that he hadn’t been this ashamed since an infamous 2003 Communion ceremony in which he distractedly converted the sacramental bread into a hardened disc of the Son of God’s fecal matter.


“Shit, nobody drink that, it’s piss” :haha:


That's over the line... They should apologize for this, little fuckin' cunts.


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Thu March 14, 2013 4:39 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Thu March 14, 2013 5:24 pm 
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Fuck You Jobu wrote:
That's over the line... They should apologize for this, little fuckin' cunts.


I see what you did there . . .


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Fri March 15, 2013 12:12 am 
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Pretty Cute Watching Boston Residents Play Daily Game Of ‘Big City’
‘It’s Fun Watching Them Hustle And Bustle Around Like They Live In A Major Metropolis,’ Nation Says
The Onion wrote:
BOSTON—Boston residents once again hustled and bustled their way into the nation’s hearts this week as they continued playing their adorable little game of “Big City,” a live-action role-playing adventure in which Bostonians buzz about their daily routines in a delightful hubbub of excitement as if they lived in a major American metropolis.

Inhabitants of real cities across the nation smiled in affectionate amusement as Bostonians put on their big-city clothes, swiped their Charlie cards for a ride on one of the MBTA’s trolley-like subway cars—charmingly called the “T”—and rushed downtown for “important” business meetings at the John Hancock Building, the South Boston Innovation District, and other pretend centers of global industry and commerce.

“You have to admit, seeing them scurrying around in the morning for their big day in the city—it’s pretty cute,” New York resident Michael Goodman said as the Bay State busybodies emulated life in a large epicenter of American culture and politics. “When they look down at their watches and start hurrying down the street like they’re headed to some of sort of huge, important meeting, it’s hard not to smile. I mean, they look like they really think they are doing something significant.”

“My favorite part is when those little guys and gals head out to bars on the weekend like they’re experiencing real nightlife!” he added. “Gets me every time.”

According to enchanted onlookers who live in actual metropolitan areas, Boston residents are particularly endearing when they get all dressed up for a night at the theater; eat a big, fancy dinner at the Prudential Center’s top-floor restaurant; and read The Boston Globe, whose reporters get to play a game of Big-City Journalist each and every day.

In addition, eyewitnesses are reportedly delighted when Bostonians set off on one of their charming adventures to shop along the trendy Newbury Street, which allows residents to sip cappuccinos and pretend to be chic urbanites for the day.

Sources went on to call the city’s darling nickname, “The Hub,” a great, hilarious touch, as though Boston were an actual locus of anything vital whatsoever.

“I like it when they really get into their roles as residents of an actual city and complain about traffic and subways not coming on time,” Chicago native James Camden said. “Oh, and when the local news anchors talk about Boston politics like it’s really important, as if the goings-on in Boston could possibly have some sort of national implication even though nobody outside of Boston even cares? It’s so much fun to watch that I can only imagine how much fun it is to actually play.”

“I mean, we play Big City here in Chicago, too,” he continued, “But we’re nowhere near as good at it as the people in Boston.”

Along with the usual game of Big City, many Bostonians reportedly play side games, such as Mr. Important Advertising Man, Big-City Lawyer, Major Metropolitan Police Officer, Professional Artist, and Super-Sophisticated Student.

“It’s really cool going to school in the city,” said adorable Boston College sophomore Erica Hoyt, who not only gets to play Big City with her fellow classmates, but also with her visiting parents, who pretend that Boston is making their daughter much more independent and well-rounded. “There’s just so much going on and so much culture here.”

“I’m glad I decided to leave my hometown and come to a city as big as Boston,” she added, playing her role in the game perfectly.

Sources confirmed that while they think its adorable watching Boston residents excitedly attend their little music shows at the Paradise Rock Club and express their devotion to city-wide landmarks like an old oil company sign that lights up at night, their favorite part of Big City is when Bostonians wear their undying allegiance to the fake metropolis on their collective sleeve.

“I saw a guy wearing a Boston hat, and it was so cute,” Los Angeles resident Eva Anderson told reporters. “All that hometown pride for a place so small and inconsequential? It melts my heart.”


And the Boston Globe Responds:

Quote:
In a big-city newspaper exclusive, The Boston Globe today uncovered evidence that The Onion, a website that claims to be “America’s Finest News Source,” is in fact not a legitimate news source, but a website full of satire and fake news.

The newspaper discovered the shocking truth after scouring a recent Onion article. The article is headlined “Pretty Cute Watching Boston Residents Play Daily Game of Big City.” The giveaway that the article was satire was the use of the word “charming” in the same sentence with the “T,” the city’s trolley and subway system. Bostonians use many words to describe the “T” and it’s fair to say, the Globe has learned, that “charming” is not one of them.

Another obvious mistake was the Onion’s quoting of a Boston College student, who said “It’s really cool going to school in the city.” Any savvy Bostonian knows that describing Boston College as being “in the city” is obviously a falsehood.

If there was one clue, more than all the others, to the article being suspicious, it was a reference to people eating a big, fancy dinner at the top of the Prudential Center. When a reporter queried a person entering the Prudential Center and asked if there is a restaurant on top, the man laughed and said, “That’s wicked funny.”


http://www.boston.com/culturedesk/2013/ ... story.html


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Tue March 26, 2013 8:39 pm 
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OK, I'm back to loving The Onion.

I Feel Very Strongly About The Issue Of Same Sex Marriage Because I Have A Gay Son

Mar 26, 2013
By God

One of the most divisive issues out there right now is the debate over whether or not gays should be allowed to marry. It is obviously an extremely sensitive topic, and I certainly can understand at least some of the reservations that opponents of gay marriage have to the idea, especially from a legal standpoint. However, as someone with a personal connection to this issue, I feel a need to speak out in favor it, and to reaffirm my belief that gay marriage is a fundamental moral right.

You see, I am a parent of a gay child. My son, who is now an adult, came out to me some time ago. When he did, he explained to me that he’d known he was gay for some time, and that his sexuality wasn’t something that he chose, but rather something that had always been a part of him. In retrospect, it was obvious. The signals were there, but I wasn’t ready to see them. Regardless, I was deeply moved by his honesty and tremendously proud that he found the courage to be honest with me.

Before my son came out to me as gay, I’ll admit that, while I didn’t think about the issue of gay rights very much, it was not something I supported. If anything, my own stance on the issue was probably influenced by a faith-based approach rooted in the Judeo-Christian tradition. What made my mind up, though, was the fact that my son was the same person he’d always been. The only difference was that I now had a deeper understanding of the child I’ve always cherished. I took his brave admission as an opportunity to reexamine my own beliefs, which, I’m ashamed to say, were not particularly compassionate or well-thought-out.

Today I count that as my biggest regret: that I failed to adopt a sensitivity towards gay rights until the issue showed up at my own doorstep.

Subsequently, I wrestled with my preconceived notions about gay marriage. Did it make sense to deny loving, consenting gay couples, like my son and his life partner, a liberty that other couples enjoy, and which, if exercised, wouldn’t harm anyone? Would gay marriage actually compromise the sanctity of an institution that I believed to be the bedrock of society? Knowing that my son was gay forced me to evaluate the issue from a different angle—not simply as a Supreme Being, but that of a concerned father who simply wants His children to have the same opportunities for health and happiness that He’s enjoyed.

What I eventually decided was to follow my heart. And what my heart told me was that it is always best to treat people with love and compassion. Today, my son and I have a great relationship, because it is based on a mutual acceptance of who we are as people. How could I possibly deny my son the chance of marrying his partner and living a long, happy life with him? I couldn’t. And today, I can proudly say that nothing would bring me greater joy as a parent than to look my son in the eye and say, “Jesus, I bless this marriage, and wish you and David all the joy in the world.”

It is okay to change your mind. It is okay to grow as a person. It is okay to say, “I was wrong.” And it is more than okay to fight for what you believe in.

Thus, I urge the Supreme Court to consider this issue with empathy, and I trust that they will make the decision that will land them on the right side of history. And by the way, if they don’t, I can guarantee the consequences will not be pretty. I am watching, Supreme Court. Choose wisely.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/i-feel ... x-m,31820/


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Fri May 24, 2013 2:59 pm 
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I'd Say My Least Favorite Part About Being A Restroom Attendant Is Spending 8 Hours A Day In A Room Where People Defecate

By Benjamin Canfield
COMMENTARY

You know, for the most part, being a restroom attendant is a pretty sweet gig. The hours are reasonable, the pay is decent, and I don’t have some boss standing over my shoulder telling me what to do all the time. But if I had to think of one drawback, I’d probably say my least favorite part about this job is the fact that I spend eight hours out of the day in a room where people shit in a toilet.

Now, I’m normally not one to complain. After all, I know times are tough, and the fact that I even have a job in this economy is not something to look down on. But the truth is, it’s sometimes difficult coming into work knowing that I’ve got to spend my entire day in an enclosed space where people noisily expel feces from their bodies as I stand at attention less than five feet away, listening to their every gasp and grunt.

Frankly, it can be kind of unpleasant.

Having to be on my feet all day is certainly a drag, too. But when it comes down to it, I think the part I enjoy least is the endless defecating and the resulting stench. You see, over the course of a typical workday, I’m required to stand around as dozens of people produce gallons and gallons of feces, and this actually smells pretty bad. In fact, it can be downright disgusting when one or more people are shitting their brains out in my immediate vicinity and I have no choice but to allow the pungent aroma of freshly discharged fecal matter to wash over me. Honestly, I wouldn’t mind not experiencing that every single day.

And what you may not realize is that when you spend eight hours in a room where people come for the sole purpose of defecating—which, again, I don’t particularly enjoy—the accumulated odor of all that human waste gradually seeps through your clothing so that you yourself actually smell like shit by the time you get home, even after you’ve taken a shower. Sure, not having any coworkers to chat with during the day is no fun either, but when I pause to think about it, I’d say it’s actually much worse that I become so steeped in shit vapors on a daily basis that I’ll be eating dinner after work and can actually still taste the shit smell in the back of my throat.

And when I finally go to sleep after a long day, I’ll invariably have another dream in which I’m standing rooted to the ground, unable to move as thousands of people walk up one by one and shit in front of me. Then I wake up the next morning, slap on my bow tie, and head right back to work for more.

This is what I do for a living.

Of course, being a restroom attendant has other disadvantages, too. My employer blasts the air conditioner all day, and it can get pretty chilly in the bathroom. Also, they play this annoying muzak over the loudspeakers, and a lot of the time I get stiffed on tips, and—actually, no, forget about all that. Let’s get back to the constant shitting for a second.

Sometimes I’ll be in the bathroom where I spend 40 hours a week, when a sweaty, red-faced man will burst in and frantically charge into the nearest stall while hurriedly unbuckling his pants. Then there will be an unbearable moment of pregnant silence, followed by the nightmarish clamor of loose excrement flooding out of the man’s anal cavity. When he finally finishes shitting, I’ll hear him scrape at his rectum with toilet paper, and after he emerges from the stall, he’ll walk over to the sink to wash his hands. Then, as I hand him a towel, we’ll make eye contact, with the acrid bouquet of his poisonous bowel movement hanging in the air between us and him knowing full well that I just spent 10 minutes listening to him shit. Then—occasionally—he’ll give me a dollar.

This happens to me about 100 times a day.

Granted, every job has its problems. I suppose I could have chosen a different occupation—mechanic, assembly line worker, bus driver, you name it—and I’d probably find something else to complain about sooner or later. But, come to think about it, I’m pretty sure none of these jobs would require me to listen in as a bloated, constipated businessman audibly strains and sighs minute after minute in an effort to force out a stubborn bowel movement.

But, you know, there’s really no use in playing “what if.” The fact of the matter is that being a restroom attendant is my job, so I’ve got to do it, even if that sometimes means waiting calmly as some guy locks himself in the stall for a half hour, emitting scattered bursts of liquid feces from his sphincter. Even if I’ve developed the ability to determine what someone has eaten based on the unique smell of the shit they just took in my presence. And even if I’m required to smile and say “Have a nice day” to some sociopath who just viciously defecated in one of the toilets without flushing. That’s just the lot I’ve drawn, and so there’s nothing for me to do but make the best of it.

And, hey, it could always be worse. I could be dead.


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Fri May 24, 2013 3:50 pm 
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http://www.theonion.com/video/today-now ... ne:default


:heartbeat: :haha:


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Mon May 27, 2013 6:18 pm 
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The site is calling it quits next year: http://www.dailykos.com/story/2013/05/2 ... s-it-Quits

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Tue June 04, 2013 3:11 am 
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After careful deliberation, 4-month-old goes with homosexuality

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EDMOND, OK—Following weeks of deliberation during which he carefully considered what sort of life he wanted for himself, 4-month-old baby Nathan Reynolds announced Wednesday that he had decided to be homosexual.

“I thought about it for a long time,” said Reynolds, who took into account both how his peers would view him and how he would be treated by society at large before determining his sexual orientation. “I weighed the pros and cons of homosexuality, and ultimately I decided that it was the right thing for me.”

The 16-week-old infant, who admitted that he was fully aware of the negative consequences associated with choosing to be attracted to members of the same sex, claimed that he was now prepared to go through life struggling with rejection, intolerance, and unprovoked hostility.

In addition, Reynolds confirmed that he opted for homosexuality despite very serious concerns about sustaining permanent psychological damage from a lack of acceptance from family members and fearing the stigma of publicly displaying affection for another man.

“Of course, I wasn’t certain of anything at first, but when I finally made up my mind to be gay, I was conscious of the fact that loved ones would repeatedly tell me that I’m not normal,” said the 4-month-old baby who made the decision before reaching the developmental milestone of head control. “Even though I’ll be subjected to ignorant homophobic attitudes and countless anti-gay slurs, the choice of homosexuality really works for me.”

Reynolds, like all infants when they reach the ages between 2 and 10 months old, was intent on determining his sexual orientation, emphasizing that his decision was “just a lifestyle choice and nothing more.” While every baby reportedly makes a commitment to being heterosexual, homosexual, or transgender, Reynolds revealed that each infant has different reasons for their decision, explaining that gay felt like a good fit for his personality and disposition.

“My selection of a sexual preference was the product of a great deal of self-reflection,” said the newly homosexual infant, who added that he reached his decision completely on his own and was not influenced by his genetic makeup or any circumstances beyond his control. “If my sexuality means I get bullied at school, or that I end up feeling unloved and shunned for my entire life, or that I don’t receive equal protection under the law, then obviously that will be my own fault.”

Reynolds reportedly acknowledged that heterosexuality would have had some benefits, such as the universal right to marriage, the ability to adopt children without fear of scrutiny, and the feeling of being validated by his religion. However, the 16-week-old infant said that, in the end, he had decided to identify with a small minority that lacks many basic rights.

“Who knows? Maybe I’ll even change my mind at some point,” said Reynolds, explaining that he can, at any time, freely choose whom he is attracted to. “If I wake up one day and don’t want to be gay anymore, then I can just switch to being heterosexual, easy as that.”

“After all, it’s not like I’m stuck with this decision for the rest of my life,” Reynolds added.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/after- ... exu,32627/


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Tue August 27, 2013 12:12 am 
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Let Me Explain Why Miley Cyrus’ VMA Performance Was Our Top Story This Morning

Over the years, CNN.com has become a news website that many people turn to for top-notch reporting. Every day it is visited by millions of people, all of whom rely on “The Worldwide Leader in News”—that’s our slogan—for the most crucial, up-to-date information on current events. So, you may ask, why was this morning’s top story, a spot usually given to the most important foreign or domestic news of the day, headlined “Miley Cyrus Did What???” and accompanied by the subhead “Twerks, stuns at VMAs”?

It’s a good question. And the answer is pretty simple. It was an attempt to get you to click on CNN.com so that we could drive up our web traffic, which in turn would allow us to increase our advertising revenue.

There was nothing, and I mean nothing, about that story that related to the important news of the day, the chronicling of significant human events, or the idea that journalism itself can be a force for positive change in the world. For Christ’s sake, there was an accompanying story with the headline “Miley’s Shocking Moves.” In fact, putting that story front and center was actually doing, if anything, a disservice to the public. And come to think of it, probably a disservice to the hundreds of thousands of people dying in Syria, those suffering from the current unrest in Egypt, or, hell, even people who just wanted to read about the 50th anniversary of Martin Luther King’s “I Have A Dream” speech.

But boy oh boy did it get us some web traffic. Which is why I, Meredith Artley, managing editor of CNN.com, put the story in our top spot. Those of us watching on Google Analytics saw the number of homepage visits skyrocket the second we put up that salacious image of Miley Cyrus dancing half nude on the VMA stage. But here’s where it gets great: We don’t just do a top story on the VMA performance and call it a day. No, no. We also throw in a slideshow called “Evolution of Miley,” which, for those of you who don’t know, is just a way for you to mindlessly click through 13 more photos of Miley Cyrus. And if we get 500,000 of you to do that, well, 500,000 multiplied by 13 means we can get 6.5 million page views on that slideshow alone. Throw in another slideshow titled “6 ‘don’t miss’ VMA moments,” and it’s starting to look like a pretty goddamned good Monday, numbers-wise. Also, there are two videos—one of the event and then some bullshit two-minute clip featuring our “entertainment experts” talking about the performance.

Side note: Advertisers, along with you idiots, love videos. Another side note: The Miley Cyrus story was in the same top spot we used for our 9/11 coverage.

Now, let's get back to why we put the story in the most coveted spot on our website, thereby saying, essentially, that Miley Cyrus’ suggestive dancing is the most important thing going on in the world right now. If you clicked on the story, and all the slideshows, and all the other VMA coverage, that means you’ve probably been on CNN.com for more than seven minutes, which lowers our overall bounce rate. Do you know what that is? Sorry for getting a little technical here. The bounce rate is the percentage of visitors to a particular website who navigate away from the site after viewing only one page. If we can keep that bounce rate low, and show companies that people don’t just go to CNN.com but stay there, then we can go to Ford or McDonald’s or Samsonite or whatever big company you can think of and ask for the big bucks.

So, as managing editor of CNN.com, I want our readers to know this: All you are to us, and all you will ever be to us, are eyeballs. The more eyeballs on our content, the more cash we can ask for. Period. And if we’re able to get more eyeballs, that means I’ve done my job, which gets me congratulations from my bosses, which encourages me to put up even more stupid bullshit on the homepage.

I don’t hesitate to call it stupid bullshit because we all know it’s stupid bullshit. We know it and you know it. We also know that you are probably dumb enough, or bored enough, or both, to click on the stupid bullshit anyway, and that you will continue to do so as long as we keep putting it in front of your big, idiot faces. You want to know how many more page views the Miley Cyrus thing got than our article on the wildfires ravaging Yosemite? Like 6 gazillion more.

That’s on you, not us.

To be sure, I could have argued that Miley Cyrus’ performance merited the top spot on our website because it was significant in terms of what’s happening in the world of pop culture, or that her over-the-top theatrics are worth covering because they are somehow representative of the lengths to which performers must go to stand out in the current entertainment landscape. But who the fuck are we kidding? Truth be told, anything at last night’s VMAs short of Lady Gaga beheading Will Smith with a broadsword belongs tucked away in our entertainment section, far from the homepage, far from the top spot, and far from the eyes of anyone who logged on to our site this morning to see what was happening in the world.

But then not nearly as many people would have seen it, which wouldn’t get us the page views we want, which wouldn’t get us the money we want, which wouldn’t get me the congratulations I want. So you see, there’s no stopping this. And what is this, you ask? Modern-day journalism. And what is modern-day journalism? Getting you to click on this link.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/let-me ... was,33632/


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Tue August 27, 2013 1:49 am 
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:shock:

:haha:

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Tue August 27, 2013 2:15 am 
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best article I read all day

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Thu October 03, 2013 6:20 pm 
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Kid Not Getting In Strange Van For Anything Less Than King-Size Bar

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FREEPORT, ME—Standing next to a white unmarked van on an unlit street after school, local 7-year-old Andrew Barns informed reporters Thursday that he would not get into the strange vehicle for anything less than a king-size candy bar, and the suggestion that he might do otherwise was, frankly, an insult. “Given the risk-reward ratio on this whole scenario, I would have to insist that the candy bar be king size, and to be honest, anything else would pretty much be a waste of my time,” said Barns, adding that any offer from the suspicious van of a regular-size Hershey’s bar, or even Rolos, would be immediately rejected on sight and on principle. “Look, if I’m going to get into this complete stranger’s dirty van with tinted windows, then it needs to made worth my while. The two-cup regular-size Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup packet is not going to cut it. It’s gotta be the four-cup king size. Or, alternatively, four fun-sized singles.” At press time, Barns was waiting for the man to return from a trip to the local FoodMart with a suitably alluring confection.


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