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 Post subject: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Tue January 08, 2013 7:46 pm 
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4 Copy Editors Killed In Ongoing AP Style, Chicago Manual Gang Violence
NEW YORK—Law enforcement officials confirmed Friday that four more copy editors were killed this week amid ongoing violence between two rival gangs divided by their loyalties to the The Associated Press Stylebook and The Chicago Manual Of Style. “At this time we have reason to believe the killings were gang-related and carried out by adherents of both the AP and Chicago styles, part of a vicious, bloody feud to establish control over the grammar and usage guidelines governing American English,” said FBI spokesman Paul Holstein, showing reporters graffiti tags in which the word “anti-social” had been corrected to read “antisocial.” “The deadly territory dispute between these two organizations, as well as the notorious MLA Handbook gang, has claimed the lives of more than 63 publishing professionals this year alone.” Officials also stated that an innocent 35-year-old passerby who found himself caught up in a long-winded dispute over use of the serial, or Oxford, comma had died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/4-copy ... ago,30806/


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Sat January 12, 2013 7:22 pm 
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Gorilla Sales Skyrocket After Latest Gorilla Attack

SAN DIEGO—Following the events of last week, in which a crazed western lowland gorilla ruthlessly murdered 21 people in a local shopping plaza after escaping from the San Diego Zoo, sources across the country confirmed Thursday that national gorilla sales have since skyrocketed.

“After seeing yet another deranged gorilla just burst into a public place and start killing people, I decided I need to make sure something like that never happens to me,” said 34-year-old Atlanta resident Nick Keller, shortly after purchasing a 350-pound mountain gorilla from his local gorilla store. “It just gives me peace of mind knowing that if I’m ever in that situation, I won’t have to just watch helplessly as my torso is ripped in half and my face is chewed off. I’ll be able to use my gorilla to defend myself.”

“Law enforcement and animal control can only get there so quickly,” Keller added. “And you never know when you’ll need to use a gorilla to save your life.”

Reports confirmed that gorilla sales have historically risen sharply in the immediate aftermath of a major gorilla attack, most notably after the 2010 tragedy in the small town of Logan, NM, where 14 people, including two 5-year-old children and a 92-year-old woman, were viciously beaten to death by a 12-year-old gorilla who spontaneously attacked patrons of a crowded grocery store.

The latest attack marked the fifth of its kind in the United States within the last six months and has reignited the explosive national debate over gorilla control, with thousands of outraged Americans reportedly demanding that their government representatives act immediately in order to prevent further bloodshed.

“We’ve had to deal with too many gorilla-related tragedies, and we’ve had to bury too many innocent, feces-covered victims,” said Nicole Simmons, president of the Mothers Against Gorillas coalition, who herself lost her 16-year-old son in the infamous Baker High School gorilla rampage of 1997. “It’s time to put an end to this. We need to get gorillas off the streets once and for all. Enough is enough.”

“The answer to this systemic problem is not more gorillas,” Simmons continued, her eyes welling with tears. “The answer is fewer gorillas.”

As evidence, Simmons pointed to a 2011 University of Maryland study, which found that 98 percent of Americans who own a gorilla have never used them for defense against a home invasion. Simmons also cited widely reported studies confirming that people who keep gorillas in the home are 12 times more likely to have their arms torn off, and children in those households are 19 times more likely to be picked up by the legs and bashed repeatedly into the ground.

Furthermore, many gorilla control advocates have reportedly called for statewide limits to the number of gorillas one can purchase and a federal ban on the ownership of silverbacks, referencing as an example the tight gorilla laws in countries such as Japan, England, and Australia, where the annual rate of gorilla crimes is virtually nonexistent.

“There is absolutely no reason—not for hunting, protection, or otherwise—that an ordinary citizen would need to possess a 600-pound silverback,” said Sen. Robert Menendez (D-NJ), one of the most outspoken gorilla control advocates in Congress. “The general public frankly has no business owning apes of this size, and the only people who do are zookeepers who are trained to properly handle them. Otherwise, they are nothing but a threat to society and only serve to perpetuate more violence.”

Opponents to gorilla control legislation, however, appear to be fervent in their defense of their gorilla possession rights. A spokesperson for the powerful yet controversial national gorilla lobby told reporters that a ban on gorillas would not end incidents such as that in San Diego, as those who want the large primates could simply buy them from illegal dealers who smuggle them into the country from the jungles of sub-Saharan Africa.

Many gorilla owners also told sources that the creatures are primarily used for legal hunting purposes and that the overwhelming majority of gorilla enthusiasts are completely responsible with their apes.

“Listen, it’s my God-given right as an American to have the freedom to own a gorilla to protect myself and my family,” said Nashua, NH resident James Harrington, 46, adding that he personally owns 12 different gorillas of various sizes, but keeps them “safely locked away in [his] home.” “And the government has another thing coming if they think they can come into my house and take away my gorillas.”

“What happened in San Diego was horrible, but that doesn’t mean all gorillas are bad,” Harrington added. “In fact, if every person at that mall had a gorilla, then the tragedy probably never would have even happened in the first place.”

At press time, following the increase in national gorilla sales, four isolated gorilla attacks had just been reported across the country, with the overall civilian death toll currently estimated at 37.

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Wed January 16, 2013 8:48 pm 
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http://www.theonion.com/articles/intern ... ne:default

Internet Users Demand Less Interactivity
'We Just Want To Visit Websites And Look At Them,' Users Say



SAN FRANCISCO—Tired of being bombarded with constant requests to share content on social media, bestow ratings, leave comments, and generally “join in on the discussion,” the nation’s Internet users demanded substantially less interactivity this week.

Speaking with reporters, web users expressed a near unanimous desire to visit a website and simply look at it, for once, without having every aspect of the user interface tailored to a set of demographic information culled from their previous browsing history. In addition, citizens overwhelmingly voiced their wish for a straightforward one-way conduit of information, and specifically one that did not require any kind of participation on their part.

“Every time I type a web address into my browser, I don’t need to be taken to a fully immersive, cross-platform, interactive viewing experience,” said San Diego office manager Keith Boscone. “I don’t want to take a moment to provide my feedback, open a free account, become part of a growing online community, or see what related links are available at various content partners.”

“All I want is to go to a website, enjoy it for the time I’ve decided to spend there, and then move on with my life,” he continued. “Is that so much to ask?”

As part of their demands, Internet users from around the country appealed for a drastic reduction in interactive lists, polls, and pop-up slideshows. Sources also called for an end to the badges that some websites award for “checking in” to physical locations, citing the fact that they ostensibly have no meaning, are dumb, and nobody cares about them.

“It’s weirdly self-centered and creepy to be broadcasting my whereabouts to the whole world, and then be rewarded for it with some worthless piece of clipart,” said Tampa, FL college student Theresa Gibson. “I don’t want to know where other people are, I don’t want them to know where I am, and I definitely don’t want it all to be tracked by a website that pits us against each other to see who can share our locations the most. Frankly, it doesn’t make any sense why that would ever appeal to anyone.”

Although some people reported that they were open to voicing their opinions every once in a while, a majority of users rallied against websites’ expectations that they participate in a discussion on nearly every piece of published content, regardless of its significance or subject matter.

Users said they yearned to return to a time when they could simply visit a site and experience its content without being asked “What do you think?”, “What’s on your mind?” or, more directly, “Respond to this video.”

“Nobody needs to get my immediate take on everything I see online,” said Atlanta printing consultant Deirdre Levinson, questioning the merits of any site that, without knowing her level of intelligence or expertise in a particular topic, would deem her worthy enough to engage in a discussion. “And they’re sorely mistaken if they believe I could actually add something of value to the conversation. At best I’m just going to parrot back some loose approximation of what I’ve heard before, which will just prove that I never should have weighed in in the first place.”

In addition to demanding less interactivity, Internet users requested fewer links and clickable icons connected to social media outlets through which they could email, share, tweet, pin, blog, or re-blog content. Many said that when they did come across something they found interesting or amusing, nine times out of 10 they just wanted to keep it to themselves.

“Don’t always ask me to send everything I’ve read to everyone I know. And by the same token, I don’t need to know if they’ve read the same thing. That information means nothing to either of us,” said Glendale, AZ shopkeeper Dan Allenby, who could not think of a single instance where it would be helpful to sign into another website through his Facebook account. “If I wanted to tell someone about something, I’ll just tell them individually. Or better yet, they’ll stumble across it on their own.”

“Really, other than clicking links, my browser’s scroll bar, and the back and forward buttons, I should not be providing any more user input,” he continued. “And let’s be realistic here—knowing my own individual views and mental aptitude, that’s probably best for everyone involved.”

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Thu January 17, 2013 3:35 pm 
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A friend of mine:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/man-wh ... wed,30926/


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Tue January 22, 2013 11:36 pm 
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History Channel Debuts "Swamp Retards"


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Thu January 24, 2013 4:45 am 
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Best one is still the "black man going around asking everyone for change" during Obama's first campaign.

First Onion article I ever read - still the funniest.

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Thu January 24, 2013 3:11 pm 
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Not that Huffpo isn't pretty much garbage, but it was surprisingly hard to believe that the "Rough Day" article wasn't Onion-sourced.

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Thu January 24, 2013 6:04 pm 
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My favorite Onion headline of all time is still the day Jerry Garcia died:

Head Dead Head Dead


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Thu January 24, 2013 6:38 pm 
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"Jesus Christ Returns to the NBA" is my favorite.

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Mon February 25, 2013 6:20 am 
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Twitter is exploding with anger at this Tweet they posted during the Oscars: http://www.salon.com/2013/02/25/the_oni ... lis_tweet/

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Mon February 25, 2013 6:28 am 
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theplatypus wrote:
Twitter is exploding with anger at this Tweet they posted during the Oscars: http://www.salon.com/2013/02/25/the_oni ... lis_tweet/

Hahaha, that tweet is hilarious.

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Mon February 25, 2013 1:45 pm 
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It would have been far less likely to be pulled if the subject was a young white girl. Even if you find it tasteless, it not as if this is out of bounds for the onion.


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Mon February 25, 2013 3:02 pm 
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theplatypus wrote:
Twitter is exploding with anger at this Tweet they posted during the Oscars: http://www.salon.com/2013/02/25/the_oni ... lis_tweet/

Are people really so stupid that they don't understand what The Onion was actually mocking with this? I'm disappointed they deleted it.


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Mon February 25, 2013 3:23 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Mon February 25, 2013 3:40 pm 
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http://www.theonion.com/video/bob-dylan ... g-f,31408/


Bob Dylan Lays Off 2,000 Workers From Songwriting Factory


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Mon February 25, 2013 3:42 pm 
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turned2black wrote:
theplatypus wrote:
Twitter is exploding with anger at this Tweet they posted during the Oscars: http://www.salon.com/2013/02/25/the_oni ... lis_tweet/

Are people really so stupid that they don't understand what The Onion was actually mocking with this? I'm disappointed they deleted it.

A lot of people hate it despite its clear satirical tone: http://www.edrants.com/why-the-onion-mu ... ile-tweet/

I'm frustrated this is even an issue, but really amused by the whole thing.

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Mon February 25, 2013 5:16 pm 
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"Cunt" gets oversensitive ninnies in such an uproar. If it said "bitch" I doubt anyone would have noticed.

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Mon February 25, 2013 5:27 pm 
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I :heartbeat: "cunt."


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Mon February 25, 2013 7:17 pm 
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They've apologized.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/the-on ... zes,31434/

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread
PostPosted: Mon February 25, 2013 7:19 pm 
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Ugh, that saddens me. I just dont see the malice in the original tweet. Not for it to be made this big of a deal. Im still working through it myself though so perhaps Ill ask for an apology as well.


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