They Live - Watched a bio on Rowdy Roddy Piper Sunday and want to watch this movie again soon.

The new Mortal Kombat

Rise Of Skywalker - so fun as long as I turn my critical thinking off

I would almost put the new Mortal Kombat in the category. I kinda enjoyed it. Kinda didn't. I loved the Street Fighter: The Movie-level stupidity of how they got their superpowers. Kano was fun. The lines were terrifically cheeseball. That limp-dicked main character was a total waste of screen time though. Could have just replaced him with Liu Kang.

This one was kinda...good? Ok, it's not good, but the scriptwriter put a lot more work into the worldbuilding here than the movie probably deserved. It's got wasteland pirates, underground morlock mutants, psychics, ninjas, hawk huntresses, cultists, zombies (sort of)... it just needs some deathclaws and you basically have Fallout. Oh, and gratuitous flippy-floppy boobs on full display, and they are huge.

- things are properly set up and paid off, just like in real movies!

- it's quite rapey, even by the genre's standards. Though oddly enough, the character kinda undergoes her own arc and makes a big impact on the finale, getting her own revenge, etc. Is it progressive? uh...nooooooo.

- the hero guy is a carbon copy of Mad Max. I call him Mad Maxeriniano.

- One of the hero characters dies in the dumbest way possible. The bad guy she is chasing runs out of bullets, so he pulls out his sword and charges her. She just stand there with gun drawn and waits to shoot him until he is close enough to knock her off a ledge. I didn't care for that.

- The army actually looks like a real army! Not just 6 guys in some dune buggies. Lots of extras in this.

- Thae action is serviceable. Nothing great, but its enough to keep me from fast forwarding. Even the car chases are solid.

- soap opera worthy love scene. very cheesy.

27 flippy floppers

Another weird coincidence: Both this movie and Equalizer 2000 has a faction called The Ownership, but in one they are the bad guys and in the other they are good guys. Strange but true!

was there bush

no bush. but you gotta see this girl run.

Taking a detour through the 90s with some dystopian cyberpunk

Cyberzone (1995)



This title was too stupid to pass up, though the alternate name, Droid Gunner, might be even dumber.

Marc Singer does his best in this Blade Runner ripoff. He is hired by Generic Corporation to track down some stolen sexbots, which have been stolen by a bible thumping puritan who controls an underwater city called New Angeles. The mercenary hired to deliver the sexbots has to constantly fight off their advances and stripping.

- Very 90s. Cheap sets and heavily saturated blues and purples everywhere. A real eyesore.

- I thought I was watching Skinemax for awhile. Lots of fake boobs .

- The big alien from I Come In Peace is in this one! A real treat for me. I love that guy. And his English is good and his acting is probably better than the rest of the cast.

- Yet another egregious example of a porn star not showing her boobs in this one. Her "legit" film.

- They didn't have any footage of underwater battles, so they subbed in some really shitty space battles from another movie. It made no sense and was very confusing at first. We later see the characters in a sub rather than a space ship, though its the same cockpit.

- Despite the fact that we visit multiple cities, the world never felt so small. The stakes are also hilariously small. Fighting over some million dollar sex machines.

- the makeup effects are some of the worst I've ever seen. Just some painted gunk and wires thrown on their faces.

Despite these flaws, I thought it was watchable.

9 walking fleshlights.

Hey I’ve seen this one

I’ll add Airborne to this list.

So shitty but so good!

Continuing with 90s cyberpunk: Nemesis (1992)

I was tempted to rent this one many times in the video store in the nineties because of that kickass cover art, but by then I'd learned to mistrust the covers. It's not the worst movie I've ever seen, at least the first 2/3rds.

- The beginning is a bit confusing, with several unnecessary time jumps and characters you never see again or barely recognize. The main character's hair changes a comical number of times. He goes from short hair to buzzcut to mullet and back again in record time. In general, there is a bizarre amount of wigs used in this movie.

- This movie features a very young Thomas Jane (or should I say: Thomas Jane's ass, which you see far too much of) in a small role.

- The main character is played by some guy with a thick French accent and little talent. Very Jean Claude Van Damme, minus the spinny kicks.

- The main villain is the guy from Dollman. Awesome.

- The great Brion James (Blade Runner) is in this and he absolutely refuses to take this movie seriously, speaking in a ridiculous German accent and totally hamming it up.

- One last casting note: The female lead in this is seemingly trying to play a quirky, Tank Girl-esque type character, but genuinely comes off as someone with an IQ in the low double digits, tripping on mushrooms.

- Unlike the last movie I reviewed, the special effects makeup is very good. The CG effects at the end? Very bad.

- Apparently they reshot the ending, and the original must have been terrible, because this ending is complete garbage. It devolves into a long and terrible Terminator ripoff.

- Lots of overcoats, expressionless bad guys and sunglasses. An early influence of The Matrix? Maybe. Maybe not.

Not bad. Now I have to watch the whole series.

14 Thomas Jane buttcheeks

Had anybody ever seen The Wraith? Haha what wonderfully shitty movie. And a real one. How did this one get by me when I was a kid?



Charlie Sheen made this the same year as Platoon. This is clearly better.

In a small town in Arizona, a mysterious man/spirit descends from the sky and manifests in a sports car and targets a local violent road-racing gang of motor heads, headed by a ruthless bully who'll do anything to get what he wants.

- Because of a tight timing window prior to filming Platoon, Charlie Sheen's scenes were filmed in one day. He's on screen for less than 30 minutes.

- According to Charlie Sheen when he appeared on Jay Leno's Garage - "I shot this in a pit stop on the way to the Philippines to film 'Platoon,'" Sheen said of "The Wraith." "Oliver Stone went and saw it in the movie theater and called me so angrily afterwards," Sheen recalls, as Stone was genuinely worried that "Wraith" was going to soil peoples' opinions of "Platoon."

After sitting through a Cameron Crowe movie I needed a palate cleanser, so I finished this up. From the director of Cannibal Holocaust.

There is actually a decent harem porn flick starring the immortal Richard Lynch here, but it's ruined when the two charisma-devoid meatheads show up. How did anyone think these idiots could make money? The movie has surprisingly high production values, but these leads are worthless. Too bad.

There is also a weird homoerotic subplot between the two brothers. They kiss. Really not a good idea.

Eva Larue is absurdly hot. My goodness.

The Wicker Man remake

Reposting here for completeness. Spiritual sequel to The Barbarians? no.

I watched it multiple times as a teenager. Loved it. Made girlfriends watch it. None of those relationships lasted very long.

I don't know. I have my dislikes here, but it's not funny bad.

In fact, there's enough good stuff in it that it pisses me off when it's not better.

I think I'm gonna watch it again. Sheen's super mega cool guy performance is a sight to behold.

Extremely light on nudity. Frankly I feel used.

The two lead girls are trying their best. It's kind of adorable. They do not phone it in. They remember all their lines and everything. Very professional.

Even the scriptwriter feels like he made an effort.

The movie is garbage though. Cheap, outdated FX (even for it's time) and an annoying, overacting villain.

Final score: 1 quick cut to a boob out of 8.

Have you seen any of these, Burtos?

6 of the 10.

Nemesis (review above)
Split Second
The Blood of Heroes
Slipstream (boring as fuck)
No Escape
Trancers