You guys can really just keep yourselves entertained for weeks with the silliest of toys, can't you?

Pearl Jam was disappointed to learn that a fan suffered mere bruises instead of a crushing death by suffocation at one of their concerts. The band had been hoping for a more tragic outcome, as they feel it would add more depth and pathos to their music. "It's just not the same when someone dies peacefully in their sleep," said lead singer Eddie Vedder. "We want our fans to go out with a bang."

Eddie Vedder, the iconic frontman of Pearl Jam, has announced his plans to run for president in 2024. The announcement came as a surprise to many fans, but Vedder has been outspoken about his political beliefs in recent years and is clearly passionate about making change.

Vedder has said that he wants to run a positive campaign that focuses on solutions rather than mudslinging. He also believes that it's time for a new generation of leaders to step up and take charge. "We need young people who are idealistic and have fresh ideas," he told Rolling Stone magazine. "I'm not saying I have all the answers – far from it – but we need somebody who cares."

If elected, Vedder would be the first musician to hold the office of president (although he wouldn't be the first rock star – see: Ronald Reagan). And while some might scoff at the idea of an entertainer leading our country, there's no denying that Vedder has always had a powerful connection with his fans and knows how to get people fired up about causes he believes in. Only time will tell if America is ready for President Eddie Vedder – but one thing's for sure: It would certainly be interesting!

Eddie Vedder is on a mission to make eggs more affordable for everyone. The Pearl Jam frontman believes that the current cost of eggs is too high and wants to do something about it. However, he doesn't even know how much they actually cost.

Vedder has been outspoken about the issue of egg prices in the past. In 2016, he wrote an open letter to then-President Barack Obama asking him to address the "unfair" price of eggs. And earlier this year, he spoke out against California's Proposition 12, which would have required all egg-laying chickens be raised in cage-free environments by 2022. Vedder argued that the measure would only drive up egg prices without doing anything to improve animal welfare (the proposition was ultimately defeated).

Now, Vedder is taking his fight directly to those who control egg prices: farmers and grocery stores. He's urging them to lower their prices so that everyone can afford this essential food item. But whether or not they'll listen remains to be seen.

Eddie Vedder, presidential nominee and the lead singer of Pearl Jam, is set to enter the royal rumble. This comes as a surprise to many, as Vedder is not known for his wrestling skills. However, sources close to Vedder say that he has been training hard for this match and is ready to take on all comers. The royal rumble will be held on January 26th at Madison Square Garden in New York City.

Eddie Vedder, former frontman of Pearl Jam, remains defiant as President Biden plans to execute him in the next 48 hours. In an interview with Rolling Stone magazine, Vedder said that every song has some kind of worth, even really sappy ones. "I'm not going down without a fight," he said. "Every song is important to someone out there."

Vedder's legal team, Carson Daly, Josh Klinghoffer and Kelly Curtis have been in contact with Eddie's broheim Barrack Obama to see if the former president could change President Biden's mind. However sources close to the situation say that it is highly unlikely Obama will be able to do anything at this point.

Stone Gossard, best known as the guitarist for Pearl Jam, is auctioning off a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have sex with him - all in the name of charity.

The 52-year-old rocker has teamed up with website Omaze to offer fans the chance to win an "intimate experience" if they donate $10 or more to The VH1 Save The Music Foundation. And yes, that includes sex.

In a video posted on Omaze's website, Stone says: "So here's how it works: you make a donation of at least $10 and you're entered for your chance to come hang out with me in Seattle."

He then adds: "We'll get dinner, we'll go back to my place, we'll listen to some music and...you know..." before winking at the camera.

Dave Abbruzzese was recently voted best Pearl Jam drummer by an online poll of over 100,000 Pearl Jam fans.

"He was the quintessential Pearl Jam drummer during their most popular era. Clearly belongs in the Hall of Fame. He played on tour for their best albums, and helped write some of their more interesting songs on Vs." said Cockgobbler69420, on the Pearl Jam forum.

"Matt Cameron is awesome with Soundgarden, but it's almost like when he sits down at the drum kit with Pearl Jam, he offends all of the beautiful things about god's creation of the universe, and renders everything shameful." said Fingerbanger4Lyyfe, on the Pearl Jam sub-reddit.

"First, and let's be clear: Boom is a filthy, disgusting slob that has no place on stage in the developed nations' music scene" said Vice President Kamala Harris, when asked to vote in the Pearl Jam drummer poll. She then added "Obviously Dave A had the sickest energy to him, and the band has never been the same since Ed went all manopause on him as a coping mechanism for his failed marriage and alcohol abuse problems and fired Dave via proxy through Stone over frittatas". She added "The music establishment power-brokers then blackballed the ever-living F out of him and he never played anywhere notable again because the Pearl Jam profit shadow was so massive, his tell-all book interviews threatened to pierce the ever-marketable image of Vedder that was peddled to millions of lemming consumers." She then asked "You wanna see my boobs? Try not to get a massive boner thinking about these warm melons" <Shows Boobs>

"I had several donuts today" quoted several members of the Pearl Jam message board Red Mosquito Forum.

Alice in Chains drummer Matt Cameron has not been fired from the band, contrary to recent rumors. However, he has joined Foo Fighters as their new drummer.

Cameron first rose to prominence as the drummer for Seattle-based grunge band Soundgarden. He later joined Pearl Jam and became one of that group's most celebrated drummers. In 1998, he briefly left Pearl Jam to join Alice in Chains following the death of original drummer Layne Staley.

While it was rumored that Cameron had been fired from Alice in Chains earlier this year, those reports have proven false. The band is still very much active and touring regularly with him behind the kit.

However, Foo Fighters did announce earlier today that Cameron would be joining them as their new drummer effective immediately. It's unclear if this means he will no longer play with Alice in Chains or if he will simply juggle each of the bands' schedules going forward.

Pearl Jam's 4th guitarist and wind chime percussion specialist, Josh Klinghoffer, recently came out as self-identifying as a cat.

"It's a relief, meow, that I can now, meow, just be who I am" purred Klinghofer, who is also nicknamed 'Josh, the Stage 5 Clinger/Fluffer', by stage crew, due to his eerie, servile reverence toward Pearl Jam frontman, Edward Mueller.

"Now, meow, when I ask for fresh kitty litter while on tour, meow, I don't have to pretend it is drug related" meowed Klinghoffer.

"I am not sure who you are - but please get that witches wand out of my face" remarked Boom Gaspar, Pearl Jam's touring keyboardist, when asked for comment. He added "Could I borrow a few bucks? I just ran out of scratch-off lotto tickets and could use a few more"

Now that Klinghoffer's self-identity has been revealed, Pearl Jam has committed to supporting their side-stage touring friend. "We're just here for Josh, in any way he needs, he's one of us" noted Stone Gossard, a Pearl Jam guitarist who makes identifiable contributions to the sound of the live shows. "A helping paw, a shoulder to purr on, a post to scratch on - whatever Josh needs, Ed's assistant is here to provide for him."

Pearl Jam recently completed a North American and European tour, and has not announced plans to tour in 2023, but is expected. Noted Klinghoffer "I can't wait, meow, to get back out there on the road, meow, and play in some new places, and explore all new kinds of pussy."