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 Post subject: Re: Thoughts you Think
PostPosted: Tue June 19, 2018 3:57 am 
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Joe Rogan rules. I barely ever listen to podcasts though.


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 Post subject: Re: Thoughts you Think
PostPosted: Tue June 19, 2018 5:14 am 
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I had a thought about that time I was thinking deeply about
Deep Thoughts
Written by:
Jack Handey

24) Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: “Mankind.” Basically, it’s made up of two separate words, mank and ind. What do these words mean? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.

23) If you’re a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it’s real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

22) I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

21) For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here’s a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

20) If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you’re in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don’t know what to tell you.

19) Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

18) Can’t the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the confusion and problems they’ve caused?

17) If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

16) To me, it’s always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, “Hey, can you give me a hand?,” you can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.”

15) I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, “I helped skin Bob.”

14) It’s funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.

13) If you’re a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

12) When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we’d all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn’t until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

11) Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

10) If you’re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it’ll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

9) I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

8) To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

7) Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

6) One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said, “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

5) If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that’s what He’s getting!

4) It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

3) If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

2) If you’re a cowboy and you’re dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

1) If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.”

All material copyright by Jack Handey


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 Post subject: Re: Thoughts you Think
PostPosted: Tue June 19, 2018 12:32 pm 
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The Master
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i love Handey, thanks for that


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 Post subject: Re: Thoughts you Think
PostPosted: Tue June 19, 2018 12:33 pm 
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PHATJ wrote:
Joe Rogan rules. I barely ever listen to podcasts though.

He kinda doesn't, but he sometimes has interesting guests.


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 Post subject: Re: Thoughts you Think
PostPosted: Tue June 19, 2018 2:04 pm 
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I think that I would make a shit-hot paid assassin.

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Free boops today.


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 Post subject: Re: Thoughts you Think
PostPosted: Tue June 19, 2018 2:16 pm 
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How could there be so many bugs


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 Post subject: Re: Thoughts you Think
PostPosted: Tue July 23, 2019 4:34 pm 
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sometimes I notice that fish don't have any emergencies. balanced in the water, they don't need any arms or legs...they just shake their ass and go

fish are bitch


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 Post subject: Re: Thoughts you Think
PostPosted: Tue July 23, 2019 7:22 pm 
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knee tunes wrote:
sometimes I notice that fish don't have any emergencies. balanced in the water, they don't need any arms or legs...they just shake their ass and go

fish are bitch

And fish are extremely hard to step on. They got that going on for them as well.

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Think I’m going to try being kind to everyone a chance.


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 Post subject: Re: Thoughts you Think
PostPosted: Sat January 11, 2020 4:56 am 
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No phone cu :cop: :finger: :throwup: :censored: nt, I don't want to add aIHF7u9Wwiw to dictionary


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 Post subject: Re: Thoughts you Think
PostPosted: Sat January 11, 2020 6:54 am 
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Those Handey quotes are great.

Kings Of Leon wrote an entire song about #7

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PM me for tips on writing a great signature.


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 Post subject: Re: Thoughts you Think
PostPosted: Fri June 12, 2020 4:11 am 
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Does self's wife call him myself?


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 Post subject: Re: Thoughts you Think
PostPosted: Fri June 12, 2020 4:13 am 
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An enigma of a man shaped hole in the wall between reality and the soul of the devil.
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Bammer wrote:
Those Handey quotes are great.

Kings Of Leon wrote an entire song about #7

Not a career highlight

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verily, if life had no sense, and had I to choose nonsense, this would be the most desirable nonsense for me also.


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 Post subject: Re: Thoughts you Think
PostPosted: Fri June 12, 2020 4:16 am 
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From 4 seconds ago:
"oh my God I have a tick!. nevermind, it was just dirt"


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 Post subject: Re: Thoughts you Think
PostPosted: Fri June 12, 2020 9:48 pm 
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I'm American but I spell it "grey" instead of "gray". It just feels better. I have to force myself to spell it with an "a".

Am I some kind of tory redcoat traitor?

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verily, if life had no sense, and had I to choose nonsense, this would be the most desirable nonsense for me also.


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 Post subject: Re: Thoughts you Think
PostPosted: Fri June 12, 2020 10:40 pm 
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BurtReynolds wrote:
I'm American but I spell it "grey" instead of "gray". It just feels better. I have to force myself to spell it with an "a".

Am I some kind of tory redcoat traitor?

Same


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 Post subject: Re: Thoughts you Think
PostPosted: Fri June 12, 2020 10:56 pm 
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BurtReynolds wrote:
I'm American but I spell it "grey" instead of "gray". It just feels better. I have to force myself to spell it with an "a".

Am I some kind of tory redcoat traitor?


this far into my life, i've yet to decide how to spell this. sometimes it's gray, sometimes it's grey, and there's no rhyme or reason. and every time i write or type it, i pause for a second to think which one to use in that moment.


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 Post subject: Re: Thoughts you Think
PostPosted: Fri June 12, 2020 10:58 pm 
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i know that if the world suddenly stopped spinning, we'd all just go flying off into space. but what would happen if the world gained twice it's rotation speed? would we all just be standing there looking like we're sticking out heads out the window of a speeding car?


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 Post subject: Re: Thoughts you Think
PostPosted: Sat June 13, 2020 12:05 am 
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bodysnatcher wrote:
i know that if the world suddenly stopped spinning, we'd all just go flying off into space. but what would happen if the world gained twice it's rotation speed? would we all just be standing there looking like we're sticking out heads out the window of a speeding car?

According to Superman, if the spin reversed we'd go back on time.

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So skating back to the train station after work today things went wrong.....now my skateboard is at the bottom of the harbour :(


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 Post subject: Re: Thoughts you Think
PostPosted: Sat June 13, 2020 3:29 am 
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Sgt. Crackpot wrote:
bodysnatcher wrote:
i know that if the world suddenly stopped spinning, we'd all just go flying off into space. but what would happen if the world gained twice it's rotation speed? would we all just be standing there looking like we're sticking out heads out the window of a speeding car?

According to Superman, if the spin reversed we'd go back on time.


It took an entire mississippi high school education to dispel my belief in that idea


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 Post subject: Re: Thoughts you Think
PostPosted: Sat June 13, 2020 1:36 pm 
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bodysnatcher wrote:
i know that if the world suddenly stopped spinning, we'd all just go flying off into space. but what would happen if the world gained twice it's rotation speed? would we all just be standing there looking like we're sticking out heads out the window of a speeding car?

The increased gravitational pull would slowly cause our skulls to shrink and eventually cave in, crushing our brains. If our weak and pathetic human bodies didn’t give way first.


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