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 Post subject: Thread For Long-Term Parental Strife
PostPosted: Sun July 30, 2017 6:22 pm 
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There's a lot I want to say, but I think I need others to go first.


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 Post subject: Re: Thread For Long-Term Parental Strife
PostPosted: Sun July 30, 2017 6:31 pm 
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Not gonna tell anyone what to do or how to live their lives. But I regret shutting out my father for 15+ years.

Shit happens. Most parents do the best they can with the tools they have.

Try to find some common ground and build on that.

My dad's dead now and my kids didn't really get to know him because we were quarreling about stupid shit.


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 Post subject: Re: Thread For Long-Term Parental Strife
PostPosted: Sun July 30, 2017 6:34 pm 
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What sort of stupid shit? Can you better appreciate his behaviors now that you're a dad yourself? I'm having a lot of issues with my dad. Have been trying to bury them deep, but it's starting to come out sideways. My folks are visiting this week, and I feel like I'm losing grip on mi ability to bite my tongue and play nice.


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 Post subject: Re: Thread For Long-Term Parental Strife
PostPosted: Sun July 30, 2017 7:25 pm 
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I suggest the opposite of what t2b said.

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 Post subject: Re: Thread For Long-Term Parental Strife
PostPosted: Mon July 31, 2017 3:01 am 
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tragabigzanda wrote:
There's a lot I want to say, but I think I need others to go first.


Rough topic. Sorry, man. Thread needs a simpler title like, "Is your dad being an asshole?" I think you'll get more replies.


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 Post subject: Re: Thread For Long-Term Parental Strife
PostPosted: Mon July 31, 2017 3:28 am 
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I have a better relationship and understanding of mine, even if i still think they did some crazy shit back then.
Im glad they are around and i hope to keep developing our bond.

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 Post subject: Re: Thread For Long-Term Parental Strife
PostPosted: Mon July 31, 2017 3:34 am 
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daft twat wrote:
tragabigzanda wrote:
There's a lot I want to say, but I think I need others to go first.


Rough topic. Sorry, man. Thread needs a simpler title like, "Is your dad being an asshole?" I think you'll get more replies.

I should probably just bury it back in the emotional grave I dug long ago.


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 Post subject: Re: Thread For Long-Term Parental Strife
PostPosted: Mon July 31, 2017 7:07 am 
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spend your time with the people you love. if you are better off without some blood relatives that's ok. ultimately, there is no golden rule. this varies on a case to case basis. some people end relationships over superficial shit but there are also good reasons to cut family off in some cases. especially if they bring you down.

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 Post subject: Re: Thread For Long-Term Parental Strife
PostPosted: Mon July 31, 2017 7:21 am 
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Me and my mom didn't speak much in my teens, but we're over it.

Once my dad stopped liking football, we ran out of stuff to talk about, but now that I stopped watching football, maybe we can find something to talk about again.

Parents are people. We act like they are supposed to be saints, but they are hairless apes like the rest of us. Get over it.

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 Post subject: Re: Thread For Long-Term Parental Strife
PostPosted: Mon July 31, 2017 7:33 am 
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I knew a girl who was raped by her father. Should she get over it?

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 Post subject: Re: Thread For Long-Term Parental Strife
PostPosted: Mon July 31, 2017 7:59 am 
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Dev wrote:
I knew a girl who was raped by her father. Should she get over it?

there are exceptions I'm sure.

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 Post subject: Re: Thread For Long-Term Parental Strife
PostPosted: Mon July 31, 2017 12:56 pm 
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I have a facebook account that I set up specifically to keep my mom happy. I never use it though.


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 Post subject: Re: Thread For Long-Term Parental Strife
PostPosted: Mon July 31, 2017 2:51 pm 
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Timely topic... :shock:

For the past week or so I've been trying to come up with a plan to confront my 64 y/o dad - in a productive way - over his worsening alcoholism and depression. Basically a "this is your last chance to get your shit together if you want to play a meaningful role in your granddaughter's life" kind of convo. Should be fun.


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 Post subject: Re: Thread For Long-Term Parental Strife
PostPosted: Mon July 31, 2017 2:55 pm 
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tmcs wrote:
Timely topic... :shock:

For the past week or so I've been trying to come up with a plan to confront my 64 y/o dad - in a productive way - over his worsening alcoholism and depression. Basically a "this is your last chance to get your shit together if you want to play a meaningful role in your granddaughter's life" kind of convo. Should be fun.

This is similarish to my predicament: Do I take the time, yet again, to air my grievances if there's low odds it'll have an impact? Or just endure the discomfort for a few more days until the next time we see each other (which is not too often)?

Sorry to hear about this tcms, I hope your words are received well.


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 Post subject: Re: Thread For Long-Term Parental Strife
PostPosted: Mon July 31, 2017 2:55 pm 
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Without knowing more about Trag's situation it's kinda hard to give him advice.

Like I said, I regret not maintaining a relationship with my father for so long. Our quarreling stemmed from a property dispute between my father and mother. It was really, REALLY dumb shit.

But on the other hand, LV and Dev could also be right. Some people are just so toxic they aren't worth the effort.

If they're racists or shit all over your sig other for no apparent reason, then fuck 'em.

I guess I would give them just a smidge more leeway because they're your folks.


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 Post subject: Re: Thread For Long-Term Parental Strife
PostPosted: Mon July 31, 2017 3:04 pm 
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My situation isn't as bad as that. In a nutshell: While my dad had always been physically present, he has been emotionally/mentally tuned out since I was about 14; he's like a good-natured ghost of a person. We have to repeat things to him ALL THE TIME; he has a remarkable ability to tune out the world around him and just pay attention to his music stuff or his Facebook feed. His behavior goes beyond awkward almost to the point of asperger's. Had an interesting convo with my uncle recently (dad's brother) who suggested he's an undiagnosed depressive, which makes a lot of sense...

When James Hetfield was on the WTF podcast recently, he said of his dad "Just because someone is physically present doesn't mean they are emotionally present," and it was like a punch to my gut. He has taken virtually no hand in guiding me or offering any sort of advice or support; he worked hard to pay the bills and was never abusive or anything, but has otherwise been a very emotional selfish person for most of my life.


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 Post subject: Re: Thread For Long-Term Parental Strife
PostPosted: Mon July 31, 2017 3:11 pm 
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tragabigzanda wrote:
tmcs wrote:
Timely topic... :shock:

For the past week or so I've been trying to come up with a plan to confront my 64 y/o dad - in a productive way - over his worsening alcoholism and depression. Basically a "this is your last chance to get your shit together if you want to play a meaningful role in your granddaughter's life" kind of convo. Should be fun.


This is similarish to my predicament: Do I take the time, yet again, to air my grievances if there's low odds it'll have an impact? Or just endure the discomfort for a few more days until the next time we see each other (which is not too often)?

Sorry to hear about this tcms, I hope your words are received well.


That's exactly where I'm at. Honestly, if I didn't have a kid I probably wouldn't bother. Our relationship plateaued about 10 years ago and I'm pretty comfortable with where it's at. But I feel like I need to give him one more wake up call to clean himself up before my daughter starts to notice.


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 Post subject: Re: Thread For Long-Term Parental Strife
PostPosted: Mon July 31, 2017 3:15 pm 
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Some people have no instinct for emotional support. and while I'm hesitant to generalize, men are usually more likely to be less emotional. Some men feel like their job is to work hard and keep the family from starving, they often miss the idea that there's more to parenting than proscribed roles in raising kids.
*shrugs*

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 Post subject: Re: Thread For Long-Term Parental Strife
PostPosted: Mon July 31, 2017 3:45 pm 
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I'm with malice, he may just be incapable of giving you what you need. He's probably thinks he's done alright by you and now your grown, he's done his job. Try approaching him as an equal or friend rather than a dependent.

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 Post subject: Re: Thread For Long-Term Parental Strife
PostPosted: Mon July 31, 2017 4:11 pm 
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doone wrote:
I'm with malice, he may just be incapable of giving you what you need. He's probably thinks he's done alright by you and now your grown, he's done his job. Try approaching him as an equal or friend rather than a dependent.

Yeah, I'm struggling with this. Like, a lot of things he does that bother me are immediately attached to what i feel are his failures as a father; but if he were just some guy behaving the same way, I probably wouldn't care as much.


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